1 post not about food.

hey! so this weekend turned out to be so awesome! i went out last night to a rugby team party. the rugby players are SO BUFF and they are huge and some take steroids and basically are my type - body builders :) so hot... ok so i was getting drunk and having an awesome time dancing and this girl i'm friends with started pushing me against the wall to make out with me. i have never done this before and it was really bizarre, but she wanted other guys to get impressed i guess, and i was too small to fight back (she's 5'10!) so i just kind of let her. it was weird. yeah...anyway. then she pulled me and these 2 guys into a bedroom and locked the door and immediately started blowing one of the guys. i freaked out and tried to get out and she was like, "no no don't leave!" hahaha seriously guys it was the weirdest situation i have ever been in, but finally i escaped! thank goodness..haha. anyway i am not mad at her, i assume she was wasted so it's ok.

then i ran into this HUGE guy kendall who i made out with once last year, and he is REALLY HOT AND JACKED :) and he was flirting and stuff and so we went into this room with this other cute guy julian and did cocaine. it was awesome. kendall and i were hooking up and i felt on top of the world. i felt so awesome and confident and hot, and i just wanted to dance but kendall wanted to have sex... anyway i didn't have sex (still afraid to let it go lol) but i really wanted to, so that was a step i suppose. and kendall told me i have great lips and he was super cute about it, which was so unlike him because he is such a frat boy, typically american coke-head steroid-body-builder type. but so hot. so yeah, that was fun :)

then tonight i was working on a group project with these 2 girls and this one girl who mutters everything she says and is literally retarded had to go early, leaving me and this gorgeous girl B. B and i ended up having like a 5 hour heart to heart about our body issues and stuff. she's my height so we were like comparing weights and bones and stuff. it was so weird how open we could be and we barely knew each other. it was kind of like this blog, but real life. so that was nice :)

well i hope your weekends were fun and wonderful, and let's have a great strong week! i love you guys <3

ahh :)

i feel so relaxed right now. i ate exactly 0 calories today :) and i went into boston and went shopping. i bought a new bottle of my favorite perfume - burberry's the beat. and a dress from urban outfitters. and a tight white shirt (oooh i love feeling skinny) and knee high socks from H&M. i noticed that boots with longer socks over leggings are really popular these days. i like the look. then i sat in the boston commons and chainsmoked/peoplewatched till i felt dizzy and freezing. then i went home. nice. i'm so calm. it's great.

oh and today i met with my nutritionist. she said that the only way to prevent binging is by stopping restricting. fuck that. well, i definitely believe her. but i'm not ready yet. i want to get lower and lower weight. ah well. she also said that at my height, i need to be eating at least 2000 calories a day. and she said that i need to eat fat at every meal. sooo essentially, it was nice to hear these things, but i am in no way ready to begin that lifestyle. maybe in time i will be, but for now, my eating disorders are (stressful and obsessive and crazy as they are) somewhat comforting, when i starve i feel like i have control and clarity. she also said that i need to separate food and exercise in my life...as in, not think of calories when i exercise, and if i over-eat one day, to not exercise more. she wants me to cap my exercising off at 1 hour and 45 minutes perday for now. she wants me to eventually get down to 90 minutes per day, but she didn't want to freak me out too much. i don't really know what to make of this...so i went into boston for some me-time and that's the story of today! haha.

thanks to all my followers and for your wonderful comments! it's so nice to be in your company :)

xoxo

damage control

i'm going to be honest. i'm fat as FUCK. the past month i have lost all control...i think i weigh 140/145 now. holy fuck. so now is the best time to get that control back and rip this fucking layer off.


i'm fasting.


i have to get (back) down to the 120s by christmas break (december 20). ok, now i have a goal in sight. that's 3 weeks. i can do it! I have to do it!

today i'm fasting. i get so high when i do this...but the 2nd day sucks. i will not fail though. only going to eat negligible foods from now until december 20th.

besides it should be good - i have 3 weeks to pull my grades out of the shit hole. the only way i can concentrate is if i'm not eating. so here's the plan: if i eat - i eat veggies, fruits, and eggwhites. 1 fiber bar will last 2 days. nuts on occasion. chewing everything 30 times. i know what i have to do - there really isn't a rule book, it's 2nd nature to me (i was diagnosed anorexic when i was younger)...i just need to believe in myself now that i have a goal.


how do you guys break fasts without gaining weight?

so small

last night this guy took me out to dinner. we were friends last year, and randomly reconnected last weekend. i ended up staying over at his place because it was empty (everyone has mostly left for thanksgiving break), watched a movie, and passed out. he's a body builder, so his muscles are HUGE. i felt incredibly protected and safe, i felt so small and tiny, fragile but not afraid, in his strong arms. i like that.

so santa claus give me a body builder please :)

anyway...my fat is officially named "The Layer." i need to rip this layer off. do you guys feel that too, like it's this layer that hurts and is holding you back? it makes you sick? every day it's different. sometimes it's a 20 pound layer i want gone. other days it's less. other days it's more. i'm in this limbo.

yeah so more about The Layer... friday night i came back to my room at like 2 AM, i had just escaped from this asshole guy who kept trying to convince me to have sex with him, and my roommate and her friend were being bitches to me... i just felt so awful and fat, and i was still sort of drunk... i just threw myself in bed and tried to cry into the pillows. i suck at crying, it never comes out. i felt like tearing at my skin cause i have gained so much weight lately, i feel flabby nasty, and i can't stop obsessively groping my hip bones, collar bones, ribs...anything to make sure i haven't exploded into a marshmellow. i realized i have been carrying this layer forever, since i almost lost my virginity in the most humiliating way at 14 years. i always felt like this humongous ball of dirty impurity since then. i'm too embarrassed to talk about it to anyone, but i wish i could. i didn't fully have sex then, but he kept pushing his dick there while i said stop, and finally he stopped trying, but it was like my body closed up to him so that's why i consider myself a virgin. and it's so weird being almost 20 and still a virgin, but i am petrified to lose it, to let anything at all go inside. and this Layer of FAT is just part of that dirtiness i feel..it's weird...oh well long ramble. the only way i can feel pure is losing weight because it's all too much, you know?

i am so nervous for thanksgiving! it's been so long since i've eaten with my parents, and of course of all meals it's the biggest one of the year!!! what to do!?????

super helpful exercise website

i live by this. all you have to do is plug in the number of calories you want to burn, and then your weight, and it will tell you how many minutes of any exercise you should do to burn it!!!!

http://www.pro-ana-nation.com/v1/index.php?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=16

happy weekend

food is weak

stay beautiful

cannot concentrate!

I am trying desperately to study for my midterm exam in the class I'm failing, which is tomorrow morning. I have been eating a lot...and it sucks. I thought it would help me concentrate, but an empty stomach is the only way to focus because I am in control then. Now it's like all my blood is going to my stomach, it literally has a pulse. Gross. I can't show myself this weekend because I feel so fat. As soon as my midterm is over, I am returning to the therapist I met last week, then I have to catch up on schoolwork. Then 5 hours in the gym for me. Yay... I am going to ask the therapist to help me stop binging... because it is making me fail. I know it's my fault. But the food makes my head spin, like there is a war going on in there.

I can't wait to read blogs tomorrow night, but for now I have to have to have to study.

xoxo

monday morning

This will be quick because I have to leave soon for class. This weekend I had a weird time - 1 guy is mad at me for blowing him off, I'm more frustrated that another guy (J) is blowing me off, I hooked up with this super hot guy  I have known for awhile, we slept in his bed but didn't have sex.. He's soo hot and in the military looks amazing in uniform haha. OK now moving on, I saw my brother yesterday. He's the only one (besides you girls) I can talk to about the weird eating stuff. He also told me that he thought I should talk to his girlfriend, who also had the same problem (how many freaking people have this?? And why does it feel like I'm so alone at school, but then everyone else in my family has it??). Weird. Anyway, we went to Friendly's and we ate like pigs..but it didn't feel bad like a binge, it felt right and like everything will be ok. My brother is the only person I can eat with. I ate a grilled cheese sandwich, apple slices, and a reeses peanut butter cup milkshake. He made me try some of his chicken wings. Then afterwards we went to this crepe place and got nutella crepes. Then we went grocery shopping. Lol so basically me and my brother binged together, but it didn't feel like that, it just felt comforting. I need to hang out with him more, haha.

I'm not going to report my weight for awhile, I gained :::(((((((

stay strong

ps: my whole body hurts. my entire skin feels like it's bruised, and i can hardly move. but that's life and i still have to work out or else it feels even WORSE (twitchy arms, headache, brain ache, a new layer of fat gets born, etc.)

ps - low cal and high fiber bars like fruit leather, very filling (they're from trader joe's, but if you guys don't have trader joe's, i'm sure your stores have similar products):

hi

Hi beautiful ladies

I love this song, what the world needs now, is love, sweet love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vp1F16_7lO0

Please everyone, stay strong. If you're fasting, drink lots of water and try not to overexercise or overwhelm your body or mind in any way. Remember that you are not alone, whether you are binging, fasting, restricting, lost, sad... You are loved

What kind of music do you all like? What keeps you going, what keeps you strong, what makes you break down and cry, what reminds you of your life? I want to know you better, and I think the music people find meaning in tells so much about the person.

food picture-warning dont look if it will trigger yoU!

Hello lovely ladies! So I have gained some weight, but let me explain myself. My mom knew I was feeling down and so she sent me this to cheer me up(for Halloween) (AREN'T THEY ADORABLE)

They are 12 chocolate covered, huge strawberries. They were very good, but I ate all of them (over 2 days, goodness...) And besides that I have been binging (though still exercising a lot), so I am back up a few pounds. Icky. But I am feeling like I am gaining back control. Yesterday, I got my econ midterm back and I received the highest grade in the course! It made me feel better, like I can control this one class, I can control my body too. Too bad I'm failing in math, my major :( Oh well, I am so far behind, I'll just have to catch up.

Is this going to sound so fucked up and whiny? Oh well, I'll go for it anyway. I want to get so underweight by thanksgiving that when my parents see me, they will want me to move back in with them, and let me quit school. I know, I know. I'm desperate for attention. Great. I'm fucked up. What's new.

On the, somewhat, bright side, on Friday, I am going to see a school therapist (we get it for free!) and hopefully they will help me fix my absurd deathly fear of sex.

Dave Matthews is coming to Boston next week. I want to go, but I have a midterm in the course I am already failing the next morning!! Part of my is just like, fuck it, I'll do what I want. But then, of course, failing again will trigger me and send me one of three directions: 1. extreme binging, 2. extreme starving, or 3. (less likely since I quit) drugs.

Unfortunately, I'm only afraid of number 1, binging.

Anyway, I hope you guys are all doing wonderfully and being happy in your beautiful skin :) I found this old pic of me from when I was 16, about 2 months after finishing ana treatment.. I still look like I feel weightless, and like I feel free, even though I had just gained like 20 pounds from the treatment. Strange. Also note the red pro-ana bracelet. I guess they can feed you, but you never forget.

genetics

Hey guys! Happy Halloween :) So last night was weird. My friends planned to take the 7 PM bus into the city to have dinner and get ready and party, but the gym closes on Saturdays at 6. I went into the gym at 2:30 and got out at 6:30 (the guy who closes it came later that evening). I was nasty and sweaty and stuff and I figured I wouldn't be able to shower/get ready in time, and besides, I still wanted to finish my core workout in my room. So I didn't go out with them. I got really upset by this: why was I alone on a Saturday night? Why was I doing this? Why would I do this to myself? I am stressed about school, like I can't handle it. It's my control issues creeping in, but it's getting out of control. Great, I am back to where I was 4 years ago, but instead of being less than 100 pounds and emaciated, I am fat. It's all in my head, I know...I know it is...but I can't accept it.

So I went to a bar with J, the boy, last night instead. I had been crying and just wanted more than anything to get a hug, so I called him and he talked to me about my academic stresses. That was awkward, because usually I only talk to him about his problems, never mine. It's hard to talk about mine with people I am face-to-face with, it's like problems should be anonymous and invisible. I slept over at J's apartment and this morning on my way home, I stopped by my brother's apartment because I guess my family is worried about me.

It's so weird, but my brother instantly knew what was up. As ever, he was brilliant about how to bring it up. He casually mentioned how his sophomore year in college he got too stressed about school and had eating issues. I never realized this about him, but it would explain why he went from slightly chubby and sedentary to an extreme athlete and super skinny in such a short time. Turns out he was some combination of "manorexic" (love that word lol) and a compulsive exerciser. JUST LIKE ME. Whoa. And he knew immediately I was doing the same thing to myself. And he made me feel so much comfort.

On a side note, my brother (now 26 years old) had a major life-threatening shoulder injury/blood clot last year that was a result of his excessive exercise during college. He got ribs removed and his nerves are still healing now, and he almost died. But he told me that this is why you have to treat your body well. The problem is that you (me) don't get it or believe it yet, but it will be OK because you will.


That was beyond helpful. He basically told me that eventually it will get so bad (injury-wise and emotionally) but then it will get better. I will let myself take rest days, and in doing so, have more efficient and shorter workouts. I trust my brother. This makes me feel less scared and free to be disordered like this knowing it's unsustainable, but it will be okay at some point. Ah. <3

weightlessness

Hi ladies! So last night on the elliptical, I was having so much fun bouncing. I do these kind of hops in every stride so I'm kind of skipping. They keep my feet from going numb and they're also fun. They make me feel weightless. I love it.

I am addicted to exercising. Today I am fasting, though, so I promise not to exercise much. I'll cover my copy of Wasted with paper and sit on a stationary bike and read, and do Power Abs and toning. Also I might drink some fiber smoothie and protein water, but not sure yet. I fear the calories.

I have so much homework but I can't sit still. I like that the effort you put in at the gym and keeping track of what you eat are quantifiable, and that the results are real. In school, as much as I study, as much as I give up to spend in the library working, it's never enough. The only thing in my life where my work will have payoff is in my body.

Oh and my current stats, 58 kg and 172 cm / 127.6 pounds and 67.7 inches. Right now I just have my scale set on kgs because it holds my attention better to have to do calculations and whatnot. It's just more interesting to me :) Also, BMI calculations are simpler from metric/kgs than from pounds/inches.

note about fasting day workouts

I work out every day. I should probably clarify, though, that I never do an intense workout when I am fasting. When fasting, I simply do a light toning workout and an easy 30-60 minutes on an elliptical, or even just a walk. If I am worried about getting dizzy, I will do maybe like 30 minutes on a stationary bike so I won't faint.

Exercise makes me feel alive, but I only worry about burning calories on days where I eat! On fasting days, I just do it to feel alive, clear my head, and keep my body toned (lack of protein from food --> flab!).

Hope you guys are doing well! I ended up not fasting today, tomorrow I will. Stay safe and strong and beautiful my darlings! I'm off to the gym. I'll comment on your blogs tonight when I get back! Oh and also, how much do you guys believe walking burns? I mean, I know moving in general burns calories, but if you aren't sweaty or panting, I have a hard time accepting that it is in fact a workout. All the calorie counting websites say you can burn a ton walking, and I like to believe it, but I'm afraid. What do you think?

Also, I have a new scale and measuring tape!! My scale before was in fact stealing my roommate's when she was out of the room, awkward... And my measuring tape was made of paper. But now I have a legit scale and cloth measuring tape! I win! Haha. Also I get bored of inches and pounds so I'm getting into the metric system. I'm such a weirdo, but I like changing things up. So I am 172 cm, and 58 kg. I'm a math major so I love conversions and calculations for this stuff. Alright now SERIOUSLY enough procrastinating, it's gym time!

Who likes the book Wasted? Do you guys find it good or too emotional? Triggering or somewhat healing? ALSO to those of you who watch Gossip Girl,,,,,,oh my goodness CHUCK AND BLAIR. Seriously. I love it. OK xox <3

2000 calorie workout please!!

I ate today and everything was going according to plan till I ate some damn Salami. WHAT? I don't even LIKE meat! I HATE MEAT! But the salt made me crazy so I binged. Shit! I feel so dirty. The iron in it will help me get my period probably. I think it has iron.

Alright so it is so much easier to fast than to restrict calories sometimes. Yes so I feel dirty and heavy and full and the worst. On top of it all, I have freaking pizza sauce on my pants. I am out of control. The dining services people kept walking past me eating alone at an awkward hour, stuffing my face. I could tell they were just like, that girl must be bulimic. I'm not! Fuck.

At least tomorrow is a fasting day, so between yesterday's fast/workout and that, I can even (nooo I wanna be negative) this out. But for now, I'm going to the gym. It's 5 PM just about here, and here is my gym plan (which I will start once my iPod finishes charging):

Walk to gym. (10 minute walk so negligible)
1 hour toning in the weight room (-180ish calories).
2 hours on elliptical and/or stationary bike, intervals (somewhere between 600-900 calories)
1 hour POWER ABS class (this class is SO MUCH FUN at my school! Very intense! Soreness guaranteed!) (maybe 200-300 calories)
1-2 hour power walk (300-500 calories)

That should be good.
 Tomorrow I don't have classes so tonight I'll just watch gossip girl and stretch (hopefully burn more while stretching). Tomorrow is another fasting day so this should even out but dammit I hate not being calorie deficient. I think I'm like exercise bulimic not ana. This is weird, because I always found straight-up bulimia to be a sign of weakness. Shit. Time to lose some weight.

perfection and control

I'm guessing we all are obsessive over these two things. It's not really about how your body looks. In fact, I often find myself covering my body more in sweats the further into my eating disorder I am. Getting less than perfect grades triggers me as much as gaining a pound triggers me. It's all about the control and the fear of losing it, I think.

That said, this weekend is Halloween (!!!), and I hope EVERY ONE OF YOU wears some scanty sexy outfit because you need to remember - you're going to look AMAZING, even if you don't feel it. It's the perfect time to show off that body, because trust me, it's thinner than you think. What are you guys planning on wearing? I'm thinking about being a fairy, I have this sheer white skirt and probably a white midriff t-shirt. I like the purity of it, kind of virginal. Hah.


Anyway, I'm on a water fast today, so I'll probably do a toning work out and then a very light cardio workout, maybe like 30 minutes on a machine or like 60 low intensity minutes on a machine, preferably a stationary bike so I can sit down haha. My plan this week is to alternate water fast days with low-cal days (replacing meals with low-sodium v8 and, solid food with fiber hahaha).  Oh and we get Wednesday off from school, thank goodness!!! I can do the work I fell behind on.

My mom mailed me a care package today ha. I love how it has my absentee ballot with her post-it note telling me what to vote for. I wouldn't vote normally because I don't care, but if it makes them happy, I will. Also, we're from California but my family is ultra conservative, so it would really make them feel better to know their opinion will get at least 1 more vote. So I feel the need to please my parents by doing these things (I suck at lying about it). Also, my mom sent me laxatives, which I find HILARIOUS.

~Quick Shout-Out To The Best Vitamin Ever~
She also sent me more L-tryptophan supplements. I just want to take a second to tell you guys about this stuff. I've been taking it (1 pill usually 30 minutes before bed time) for a few months now. The actual dosage is 3 pills a night, but for me 1 works just fine. It's just an amino-acid (get all natural if you can! Usually at more organic type pharmacies) that your body already produces, so it's totally safe and just a vitamin. It actually makes me sleep so well. If you're an insomniac, this will probably help you. If not, it will improve the quality of your sleep. I love it. I wake up well-rested, and don't really wake up much throughout the night, and it's easier to fall asleep/relax. Oh my gosh I love it! Get it if you can and you need a bit of all-natural sleep assistance!  But if you're pregnant or want to become pregnant, definitely do not get it. Also, I think there is interaction with anti-depressants, so don't take it if you're on that stuff. Otherwise, it's fabulous! I know many years ago, they pulled it from the market for a contaminated batch, but it's just fine now.

OK guys, that's all I have for now. Oh and my BMI is at 19.something now, so I am feeling more competent than my schoolwork is making me feel. Haha.

Stay safe, stay strong, and stay beautiful all of you skinny ladies! Try to find strength in your pain, and don't forget to love yourself :)

<3

hello! fasting :)

Hi guys :) So I've been feeling good. Also, I am currently fasting. Right now it's just a water fast but I'll probably add liquids tomorrow. What are you guys up to this weekend? I kind of feel like going out tonight (yayyyy finally feeling sociable!!), but I don't think worrying about the drugs and stuff will do me any good (I have a hard time saying no but I have stopped smoking weed, etc., cold turkey since August). I don't know... oh well! It's a stress free weekend :)

i fail

Tonight I couldn't concentrate at all on anything. I have a midterm tomorrow but I couldn't study. I ate frosting and watched Gossip Girl. I binged. I suck. Then I didn't even exercise because I wasted 3 hours playing Tetris. FML. Anyway, I took this a few days ago (I blurred my boob and face, but the pic itself is pretty blurry) and I hate hate hate my legs. I fucking hate them. And every time I eat, I can feel them get fatter. Is that even a real thing? I cannot wait until tomorrow so I can be competent again.

I'm sad now :( I cannot handle messing up.

blah blah blah long!!

Hi guys! Thanks for following and reading my blog! There is so much I can't say in "real life" and it's so nice knowing others are there with me. So I haven't weighed myself in a long, long time. I'm trying to not weigh myself until I feel skinny again. (OMG but I am an ex-anorexic/currently-heading-back-to-anorexia so that is gonna be, like, never, right? Hah.) I'll probably give in weigh myself tonight haha. No. I won't. Boooo. Besides, it's less depressing to weigh yourself in the morning after you wake up and pee. But I can't strip down whenever my roommate is in the room, soooo this is helping my sanity.

Yesterday I again ate nothing but fiber and protein.
Breakfast:
Hard boiled egg white (17 cal)
Lunch:
Slice of multigrain bread (110 cal...ugh but I need the fiber!!!)
Between lunch/dinner:
1 cup of dry Kashi crunch cereal (190 cal.. again ew but actually it's really tasty and filling and fibery)
Dinner:
Hard boiled egg white (17 cal... they had egg salad sandwiches so I took one and scraped everything off the eggs, it was kinda funny at the time)
Apple (80 cal)

...SO yesterday I ate like 330 calories. But then I burned 500 at the gym (65 minutes elliptical, 30 minutes toning, plus stretching which I don't count calories for) --> net 170. Yeah I can tell I'm not eating enough because my circulation is terrible (blue fingernails when I exercise, numb feet). I'm trying to eat more today because my exercise is non-negotiable and I still feel bloated. So far I'm roughly at 450 (Egg-17, oatmeal-120, Kashi-190, apple-80, lettuce/cucumbers-20), but I'm not worried because I burn a lot at the gym.

Oh and thanks for all your advice about the boy! I think things are going to be good :)
One more thing that I think is kind of weird. My roommate is triggering my ED. She doesn't even realize it. But every time I go to the gym, I don't say anything about how much I exercise because I don't like talking about it around people who don't understand this ED. I also don't say exactly how long I'm there, I kind of act like I make a few stops and that's why I get home so late. But she is semi aware that I do more than the average person, and she gets extremely defensive about her gym habits,, even though I never ask about them or talk about mine. It's like she is trying to prove that she exercises. That triggers me. It makes me panic. I don't know why. All I know is that it is triggering something in me that I hate. My anorexic part is so competitive and obsessed with perfection that I hate hate hataeeeeeee when people compare themselves to me, directly or indirectly.

fiber day haha

First of all, I want to say thank you all so much for reading and commenting and following me! You are all so supportive and give great advice. I feel like I'm in good company, and every chance I get I love to read your blogs :)

This is probably TMI. But the past couple days I have felt extremely bloated and almost in pain. Also I look noticeably bloated (not in the way ED people usually think they look, but ACTUALLY noticeable), so today I concentrated on eating tons of fiber (26 grams!!! But all I ate today was, literally, those 26 grams of fiber, & hard boiled egg whites). Hahaha. Do any of you have any tips on getting rid of the bloating?? And do you know much about Metamucil?

Today was pretty good aside from the tummy ache. I ran 12 miles and had enough energy throughout the day to be in a good mood. I'm really tired though, so I'm going to get to bed. I will hopefully have enough time to read your blogs and comment tomorrow :)

grossssss

Last night was so lame. I hate partying. I hate getting grinded on. I hate slimy people. I hate my clothes sticking to me. Gross. And don't even get me started on beer. My 4 hours in the gym yesterday wasted on cheap fratty beer.

I'm purifying myself through a semi-fast today (gotta keep the metabolism up). Can't go to the gym. Today will just be library, church, library, sleep.

On a personal note, I'm so bummed :( Over the summer, I met this guy, J, who I LOVED hanging out. We became really good friends (however I generally don't believe men and women can truly be friends). He admitted to "having a crush" on me, but I told him I only liked him as a friend. The thing is, I also had a crush on him. I just didn't want to get involved with anything, I don't know why. Then at the end of the summer, I ended up staying over at his apartment one night. It was actually really cute because we were hanging out at this bar with a guy I knew from high school, who happened to be visiting Boston, and in order to avoid getting hit on, I pretended J was my boyfriend, which J went along with. So we were kinda holding hands and rubbing each other's backs like boyfriend/girlfriend, but I was getting butterflies and all excited! And then after we left the bar, J told me that he liked being my boyfriend and that the way I was touching him made him crazy. That obviously made me so excited. And I already had to stay the night at J's place because I had missed the last train home. We were talking in his bed, listening to great music (Coldplay, DMB, stuff we both love), and he turned my cheek toward him and kissed me. And we just made out that night. But it was AMAAAAAZING!!!! I haven't kissed anyone that well, EVER. But I felt awkward afterwards and kind of acted like I just wanted to be friends, blah blah blah, things got awkward. Then last weekend he texted me really late (booty call?!) and wanted to talk, so we talked (he wasn't actually drunk it turns out) and he was like, "My life is changing a lot and I want you to be part of that change," blah blah blah, essentially asking me to be his girlfriend. I want to do it, you guys, but for whatever reason, I keep getting in the way. I told him that I didn't like him (What the f*, of course I like him...). And I told him to call me in a few days, which he hasn't. So basically FML. I have tried to talk to him yesterday but he won't talk to me. I think we're both f*cked up people. I know that was long... hahaha... if you did read it, wow thank you so much, and what should I do!???

hahaha

Soooo I'll keep this quick. My roommate convinced me to go out tonight, but I have to go to this thing first so I already got dressed. She was like talking about what she was wearing and I asked her if I should wear this (what I was wearing - this kinda loose shirt) or a polo. She was like, just wear that (the flowy shirt) and I was like, "But do I look fat in this?" (ONLY asking because it was flowy! Not out of body insecurity) and she was like: "(name) You have been losing weight like CRAZY these days!" I got super embarrassed for a sec but still said  "Yeah but do I look fat in this?" It was super awkward. Hahaha. I dunno. But I feel competent that I am apparently losing the fatsuit.

I feel amazing today. Spent the entire day at the gym! So much fun. And I think I can handle my schoolwork, which makes me feel more competent than I did a few days ago. Whew.

Hope you guys are all having fun and relaxing weekends!! Be safe <3

hate the weekends

At my "healthier" times, I lived for the weekend. I partied like it was my job, got wasted, got high, hooked up with strangers, danced on tables, and spent hours primping. Now I honestly don't think I have even washed my hair in like 6 days. My roommate is trying to get me to go out this weekend because apparently I am shutting myself in. I'm aware. I'm so far in that I don't think I can come out. I can only imagine the conversation if she convinced me to go out:


Roommate: You're wearing THAT?! (pointing at my baggy sweatpants and sweatshirt)
Me: I wear this every day.

Ugh. I know I have relapsed into Ana's too tight arms. I can tell. But I feel too incompetent anywhere else.

I hate weekends. There is no class, so no real schedule to abide by and pass the time with. I hope I have enough self-control not to weigh myself. The gym is never open late on the weekends, so I have to finish my workout tonight by 10 PM. Which leaves me to go back to my room and feel more alone. That's what these blogs are for, really. Anyone else feel more alone than ever on the weekends? What are you planning to do this weekend?

a new day :)

I cannot underestimate a good night's sleep anymore! I feel so much better today. No more eating like a fatty. It's 2 PM here and I've eaten only half my daily amount. And considering my binges usually happen at lunchtime (or so they seem to), I'm pleased with myself. I went back on the scale today after a terrible week of food, and I am exactly the same as I was before! Honestly, I AM HAPPY because I didn't gain, while I expected to gain like 10 pounds, not even exaggerating. So yeah, I am happy. I can start losing again (fresh slate).

Last night after an awful day, I ran 10 miles and did a nice body-toning workout, so I think my net calorie intake yesterday was "normal" according to my body size. So I feel better about everything. Exercising is the best damage control. No chipmunk cheeks, no yellow teeth, no bad breath. Just turning any fat you might have left, into muscle, while giving you endorphins.

That said, it is extremely difficult to exercise with Ana. It's most impossible, for me, in the mornings. By nighttime, I have usually consumed at least something, which gives me more energy to exercise. Also, sometimes I eat a spoonful of peanut butter to get a jolt of protein in my system, which I believe helps. So I exercise last thing at night. I get to the gym at around 8:30, do strength for 30-45 minutes usually (very light weights), then do the ellipticals or track for as much time as my body can.

My body can exercise as long as it wants, because I am in good shape. The problem is if I get bored, I get bored after a minute and can't even run a mile. That's where the Adderall comes in. After a day of taking it as prescribed, there is usually enough still in my system to help me stick to a workout even when my head is wandering. That's nice. But for people without these problems, it's more in your control, which is preferable.

The worst things about exercising are running out of water (stopping to refill stops the workout), and losing circulation in your feet (this is mostly just a problem on the elliptical). So I do interval training where I sprint 2 miles, then jog a quarter mile at about 7-8 minute miles, then sprint 3/4 mile, jog 1/4, sprint 3/4, etc. During the jogging, I do everything I can to regain circulation in my feet. I wiggle my toes, bounce my shoes in the feetslots, anything I can! I must look so weird but I don't care! I would love to hear other tips on circulation problems!!!

Anyway, another note about interval training: I have found that, mentally, it's really good to start strong and finish strong. That's why I sprint my base miles, and that's why I sprint the last 3/4 of every mile. It's a whole lot less frustrating waiting for the 6.25 to reach 7.00 than to wait for the 3.00 to reach 3.75. I'm not sure why, but I think that seeing 5.01 get to 5.02 is REALLY unsatisfying when you are sprinting full force! Hahaha maybe I'm just weird :/

Hopefully I will have another positive update later! I still want to keep reading more blogs, they're so inspirational!

<3


current stats:
height 5'7.25" (every inch counts!)
pounds 134
bmi 20.8

starting stats
pounds 148
bmi 23

gw1.[ ]130 pounds, 20.2 bmi
gw2.[ ]125 pounds, 19.4 bmi
gw3.[ ]120 pounds, 18.7 bmi
gw4.[ ]115 pounds, 17.9 bmi

[ ]now i dare you to call me fat.

first post!

Well, this week has been strange. Strange enough that I decided to get online in search of something, not really sure what. So I've been eyeing some other pro-ana blogs out there, just so I can feel less alone. Since I took my first midterm of the year, I freaked out and have felt out of control. I don't get it. I spent every moment doing one of two things: either studying or working nonstop in the library, or working out. I just don't get why I bombed it. Then today we got it back. I got a C. That triggered me.

I have been a recovered anorexic since age 15. But since my sophomore year of college started (I am 19), I have found myself falling back into the disease. At first I didn't notice: I had gone from a slacker student to a super student with the help of a long-needed but never-realized diagnosis and medication of ADHD. Once I got on Adderall, it was like night and day. I started to love to study again - even when it was boring - just because I can do it, finally. Hours in the library that I would not care to disrupt for a meal. My friends started to worry, because when I would, rarely, eat with them, I spent a minute nibbling on cucumbers or celery, and then running off to the library again. I lied, embarrassed about my ADHD, telling them I was on some heart medication that made me nauseous (don't know where that came from), and it was alright.


But when I realized I had given up my social life to study and then felt like I had bombed the test, I binged. At first, it was nothing. But then, it got out of control. Every day this week I have binged. I feel completely helpless, because I don't even WANT the food. It's like I WANT to binge. But I don't want to. But I end up doing it anyway. I don't know why. So every day this week I have been running. I started with running 4 miles, 8 miles, and last night 11 miles. I really don't know what to do with myself. I have been afraid to weigh myself for a week since my binges started.

It was this test and loss of apparent control over one of the two things I had thought I controlled (my grade being the one, weight the other) which made me realize I am back in full swing into anorexia. To check, sure enough, I have dropped 14 pounds (3 BMI points) since September (when I had a doctor's appointment). This would explain why the guy I was making out with asked me if I was anorexic when he first saw my bare body. I laughed it off.


On top of all of this, I feel so alone. I don't mind. I can't stand the people around me. All they do is suspect me of being anorexic. And all I want to talk about is calories/weight/exercise, so I don't blame them for being suspicious. But I have isolated myself. I am hoping through this blog to find some kind of outlet, some kind of community, that will let me be, and will also be there to talk about our weight, our goals, our exercise, our slip-ups. Because this isn't something trivial we Anas can just purge from our minds (ha, ha...).


Tomorrow's a new day, right?