grossssss

Last night was so lame. I hate partying. I hate getting grinded on. I hate slimy people. I hate my clothes sticking to me. Gross. And don't even get me started on beer. My 4 hours in the gym yesterday wasted on cheap fratty beer.

I'm purifying myself through a semi-fast today (gotta keep the metabolism up). Can't go to the gym. Today will just be library, church, library, sleep.

On a personal note, I'm so bummed :( Over the summer, I met this guy, J, who I LOVED hanging out. We became really good friends (however I generally don't believe men and women can truly be friends). He admitted to "having a crush" on me, but I told him I only liked him as a friend. The thing is, I also had a crush on him. I just didn't want to get involved with anything, I don't know why. Then at the end of the summer, I ended up staying over at his apartment one night. It was actually really cute because we were hanging out at this bar with a guy I knew from high school, who happened to be visiting Boston, and in order to avoid getting hit on, I pretended J was my boyfriend, which J went along with. So we were kinda holding hands and rubbing each other's backs like boyfriend/girlfriend, but I was getting butterflies and all excited! And then after we left the bar, J told me that he liked being my boyfriend and that the way I was touching him made him crazy. That obviously made me so excited. And I already had to stay the night at J's place because I had missed the last train home. We were talking in his bed, listening to great music (Coldplay, DMB, stuff we both love), and he turned my cheek toward him and kissed me. And we just made out that night. But it was AMAAAAAZING!!!! I haven't kissed anyone that well, EVER. But I felt awkward afterwards and kind of acted like I just wanted to be friends, blah blah blah, things got awkward. Then last weekend he texted me really late (booty call?!) and wanted to talk, so we talked (he wasn't actually drunk it turns out) and he was like, "My life is changing a lot and I want you to be part of that change," blah blah blah, essentially asking me to be his girlfriend. I want to do it, you guys, but for whatever reason, I keep getting in the way. I told him that I didn't like him (What the f*, of course I like him...). And I told him to call me in a few days, which he hasn't. So basically FML. I have tried to talk to him yesterday but he won't talk to me. I think we're both f*cked up people. I know that was long... hahaha... if you did read it, wow thank you so much, and what should I do!???