ahh :)

i feel so relaxed right now. i ate exactly 0 calories today :) and i went into boston and went shopping. i bought a new bottle of my favorite perfume - burberry's the beat. and a dress from urban outfitters. and a tight white shirt (oooh i love feeling skinny) and knee high socks from H&M. i noticed that boots with longer socks over leggings are really popular these days. i like the look. then i sat in the boston commons and chainsmoked/peoplewatched till i felt dizzy and freezing. then i went home. nice. i'm so calm. it's great.

oh and today i met with my nutritionist. she said that the only way to prevent binging is by stopping restricting. fuck that. well, i definitely believe her. but i'm not ready yet. i want to get lower and lower weight. ah well. she also said that at my height, i need to be eating at least 2000 calories a day. and she said that i need to eat fat at every meal. sooo essentially, it was nice to hear these things, but i am in no way ready to begin that lifestyle. maybe in time i will be, but for now, my eating disorders are (stressful and obsessive and crazy as they are) somewhat comforting, when i starve i feel like i have control and clarity. she also said that i need to separate food and exercise in my life...as in, not think of calories when i exercise, and if i over-eat one day, to not exercise more. she wants me to cap my exercising off at 1 hour and 45 minutes perday for now. she wants me to eventually get down to 90 minutes per day, but she didn't want to freak me out too much. i don't really know what to make of this...so i went into boston for some me-time and that's the story of today! haha.

thanks to all my followers and for your wonderful comments! it's so nice to be in your company :)

xoxo

damage control

i'm going to be honest. i'm fat as FUCK. the past month i have lost all control...i think i weigh 140/145 now. holy fuck. so now is the best time to get that control back and rip this fucking layer off.


i'm fasting.


i have to get (back) down to the 120s by christmas break (december 20). ok, now i have a goal in sight. that's 3 weeks. i can do it! I have to do it!

today i'm fasting. i get so high when i do this...but the 2nd day sucks. i will not fail though. only going to eat negligible foods from now until december 20th.

besides it should be good - i have 3 weeks to pull my grades out of the shit hole. the only way i can concentrate is if i'm not eating. so here's the plan: if i eat - i eat veggies, fruits, and eggwhites. 1 fiber bar will last 2 days. nuts on occasion. chewing everything 30 times. i know what i have to do - there really isn't a rule book, it's 2nd nature to me (i was diagnosed anorexic when i was younger)...i just need to believe in myself now that i have a goal.


how do you guys break fasts without gaining weight?

so small

last night this guy took me out to dinner. we were friends last year, and randomly reconnected last weekend. i ended up staying over at his place because it was empty (everyone has mostly left for thanksgiving break), watched a movie, and passed out. he's a body builder, so his muscles are HUGE. i felt incredibly protected and safe, i felt so small and tiny, fragile but not afraid, in his strong arms. i like that.

so santa claus give me a body builder please :)

anyway...my fat is officially named "The Layer." i need to rip this layer off. do you guys feel that too, like it's this layer that hurts and is holding you back? it makes you sick? every day it's different. sometimes it's a 20 pound layer i want gone. other days it's less. other days it's more. i'm in this limbo.

yeah so more about The Layer... friday night i came back to my room at like 2 AM, i had just escaped from this asshole guy who kept trying to convince me to have sex with him, and my roommate and her friend were being bitches to me... i just felt so awful and fat, and i was still sort of drunk... i just threw myself in bed and tried to cry into the pillows. i suck at crying, it never comes out. i felt like tearing at my skin cause i have gained so much weight lately, i feel flabby nasty, and i can't stop obsessively groping my hip bones, collar bones, ribs...anything to make sure i haven't exploded into a marshmellow. i realized i have been carrying this layer forever, since i almost lost my virginity in the most humiliating way at 14 years. i always felt like this humongous ball of dirty impurity since then. i'm too embarrassed to talk about it to anyone, but i wish i could. i didn't fully have sex then, but he kept pushing his dick there while i said stop, and finally he stopped trying, but it was like my body closed up to him so that's why i consider myself a virgin. and it's so weird being almost 20 and still a virgin, but i am petrified to lose it, to let anything at all go inside. and this Layer of FAT is just part of that dirtiness i feel..it's weird...oh well long ramble. the only way i can feel pure is losing weight because it's all too much, you know?

i am so nervous for thanksgiving! it's been so long since i've eaten with my parents, and of course of all meals it's the biggest one of the year!!! what to do!?????

super helpful exercise website

i live by this. all you have to do is plug in the number of calories you want to burn, and then your weight, and it will tell you how many minutes of any exercise you should do to burn it!!!!

http://www.pro-ana-nation.com/v1/index.php?option=com_wrapper&Itemid=16

happy weekend

food is weak

stay beautiful

cannot concentrate!

I am trying desperately to study for my midterm exam in the class I'm failing, which is tomorrow morning. I have been eating a lot...and it sucks. I thought it would help me concentrate, but an empty stomach is the only way to focus because I am in control then. Now it's like all my blood is going to my stomach, it literally has a pulse. Gross. I can't show myself this weekend because I feel so fat. As soon as my midterm is over, I am returning to the therapist I met last week, then I have to catch up on schoolwork. Then 5 hours in the gym for me. Yay... I am going to ask the therapist to help me stop binging... because it is making me fail. I know it's my fault. But the food makes my head spin, like there is a war going on in there.

I can't wait to read blogs tomorrow night, but for now I have to have to have to study.

xoxo

monday morning

This will be quick because I have to leave soon for class. This weekend I had a weird time - 1 guy is mad at me for blowing him off, I'm more frustrated that another guy (J) is blowing me off, I hooked up with this super hot guy  I have known for awhile, we slept in his bed but didn't have sex.. He's soo hot and in the military looks amazing in uniform haha. OK now moving on, I saw my brother yesterday. He's the only one (besides you girls) I can talk to about the weird eating stuff. He also told me that he thought I should talk to his girlfriend, who also had the same problem (how many freaking people have this?? And why does it feel like I'm so alone at school, but then everyone else in my family has it??). Weird. Anyway, we went to Friendly's and we ate like pigs..but it didn't feel bad like a binge, it felt right and like everything will be ok. My brother is the only person I can eat with. I ate a grilled cheese sandwich, apple slices, and a reeses peanut butter cup milkshake. He made me try some of his chicken wings. Then afterwards we went to this crepe place and got nutella crepes. Then we went grocery shopping. Lol so basically me and my brother binged together, but it didn't feel like that, it just felt comforting. I need to hang out with him more, haha.

I'm not going to report my weight for awhile, I gained :::(((((((

stay strong

ps: my whole body hurts. my entire skin feels like it's bruised, and i can hardly move. but that's life and i still have to work out or else it feels even WORSE (twitchy arms, headache, brain ache, a new layer of fat gets born, etc.)

ps - low cal and high fiber bars like fruit leather, very filling (they're from trader joe's, but if you guys don't have trader joe's, i'm sure your stores have similar products):

hi

Hi beautiful ladies

I love this song, what the world needs now, is love, sweet love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vp1F16_7lO0

Please everyone, stay strong. If you're fasting, drink lots of water and try not to overexercise or overwhelm your body or mind in any way. Remember that you are not alone, whether you are binging, fasting, restricting, lost, sad... You are loved

What kind of music do you all like? What keeps you going, what keeps you strong, what makes you break down and cry, what reminds you of your life? I want to know you better, and I think the music people find meaning in tells so much about the person.

food picture-warning dont look if it will trigger yoU!

Hello lovely ladies! So I have gained some weight, but let me explain myself. My mom knew I was feeling down and so she sent me this to cheer me up(for Halloween) (AREN'T THEY ADORABLE)

They are 12 chocolate covered, huge strawberries. They were very good, but I ate all of them (over 2 days, goodness...) And besides that I have been binging (though still exercising a lot), so I am back up a few pounds. Icky. But I am feeling like I am gaining back control. Yesterday, I got my econ midterm back and I received the highest grade in the course! It made me feel better, like I can control this one class, I can control my body too. Too bad I'm failing in math, my major :( Oh well, I am so far behind, I'll just have to catch up.

Is this going to sound so fucked up and whiny? Oh well, I'll go for it anyway. I want to get so underweight by thanksgiving that when my parents see me, they will want me to move back in with them, and let me quit school. I know, I know. I'm desperate for attention. Great. I'm fucked up. What's new.

On the, somewhat, bright side, on Friday, I am going to see a school therapist (we get it for free!) and hopefully they will help me fix my absurd deathly fear of sex.

Dave Matthews is coming to Boston next week. I want to go, but I have a midterm in the course I am already failing the next morning!! Part of my is just like, fuck it, I'll do what I want. But then, of course, failing again will trigger me and send me one of three directions: 1. extreme binging, 2. extreme starving, or 3. (less likely since I quit) drugs.

Unfortunately, I'm only afraid of number 1, binging.

Anyway, I hope you guys are all doing wonderfully and being happy in your beautiful skin :) I found this old pic of me from when I was 16, about 2 months after finishing ana treatment.. I still look like I feel weightless, and like I feel free, even though I had just gained like 20 pounds from the treatment. Strange. Also note the red pro-ana bracelet. I guess they can feed you, but you never forget.