if you want to lose weight...

don't eat carbs, cut out certain dairy products like cheese, and don't eat fried food. make your meals smaller and smaller as the day goes on. anything you eat within a few hours of sleeping will be turned into fat. just because you are cutting calories doesn't mean you can live on cookies. you will look awful, not to mention, feel awful. also, obviously you have to exercise every day. I have a minimum of burning 250 calories in a day, but on a typical day I'd burn around 600. If I'm feeling lazy, I might swim for 30 minutes or run for 30 minutes, which would only burn about 250 calories.

Breakfast:
1 slice of whole wheat toast: 55 calories
Half-cup fat free strawberry yogurt: 50 calories

Lunch:
Apple: 80


Dinner:
Grilled chicken (roughly 3 oz): 200 calories
Large pile of raw cucumber slices and carrots: 50 calories

If still starving, have a banana (100 calories).

Total: 535 calories (with the banana).

too nervous to eat

on top of all the recent drama with my mom, my italian teacher told me she needs to meet with me privately to talk about something (can't be good, these things never are), and yesterday i got an email warning that i am failing my accounting class. all of this and i have an impossible amount of work to do this week (i shouldn't even be on here). i can't eat, i can't sleep, i'm so nervous. i think by the end of this week i will be going in one of two directions: either i will be back to starving and losing weight, or i will be relaxed since i will have finished my tough week. at this point i don't know what i want. but i haven't been eating the past two days - can't stomach anything.

no promises, but...

i need some outlet. i am back at a normal, healthy weight right now, i have been struggling really hard to eat normally and exercise these past few months, so i guess this post isn't  really about losing weight. i'm at home right now on spring break. i lied to my parents about one of my grades saying i got a B+ (when i actually got a B) in an attempt to avoid conflict. well guess what? my mom is extremely angry about the "B+" she thinks i am a failure and has not let me off the hook. this is probably why i moved all the way across the country for college, but it had been so  long since i remember fighting with my parents that i forgot we ever did. instead of just relaxing when i apologized and promised to make changes, etc, she just cannot let it go. imagine if i had told her that i actually got a B. it seriously is NOT that big of a deal, and i know that if i let my grades get me down, i will go back to anorexia in an attempt to control some aspect of my life. i know this, and i am afraid of it, so part of me won't listen to my mom, but the reality is, this kind of pressure is probably why i got sick in the first place. now she is trying to get me a plane ticket so i can go back to school early since she says she doesn't want me around. ok, whatever. if i go back early, the dining halls are closed and i can't cook. i also don't have motivation to go buy food. so fuck... i am secretly kind of excited to starve. this is a really, really scary sign. also, my dorm will be open so i could sleep there, but i already told this guy who i used to like that i am coming back early and don't have anywhere to go, so he offered to let me stay with him. it is so pathetic, but i probably will, just because i want to feel loved, even if it isn't real. i just feel like the skeleton i used to be, completely weak. i predict i will be losing weight drastically pretty soon. so much for all this time spent trying to "love my body." i'm still a shit student with cold hands.