i fucked everything up

I hate my life. This morning I got a 0 on my homework assignment because my teacher thinks I turned it in late. I was sick that day so I turned it in as soon as I could - 15 minutes after class. FUCK THAT. And immediately after, I had an important interview. I expected normal interview questions but the two interviewers totally put me on the spot about my economic knowledge and opinions and I totally blew it. I hate everything. And now I have a care package from my mom that I'm just SURE will have Halloween candy in it. I fucking hate everything. I am so fat. I am so fucking stupid. Why don't I know anything? Why did I fuck up my interview?? What the fuck is wrong with me?????????????

weigh in!

136.5!!!! Yay :)

Also my back ribs are slightly appearing. I get really bony really easily, that's probably why.

Tonight there is ANOTHER toga party - lol, so I will have to drink tonight. I'll try to limit my drinking to like 4-6 shots, so that's like 600 calories. ICK. But I will just eat less today. And then I won't need as many shots to feel it!!! I am going to make my toga show my bones this week ;) so sexy.

Have a great weekend y'all

crazy night

Last night I hooked up with kendall again, same sexy ass guy with huge muscles as from awhile ago when we did cocaine together. he is fucking hot. he kept rubbing my ribcage and hipbones and i felt soooo fucking gorgeous and skinny in his giant arms. nice. we were up until 6 AM hooking up to kaskade/deadmau5 in his bed. so this is kind of funny, he has a cousin who he is very good friends with. at the party, i was dancing with his cousin just for fun, but then his cousin tried to make out with me and i rejected him because i have gotten with kendall many times before. his cousin said, "no, it's ok, kendall and i share everything." LOL. yeah right. sick. so i obviously didn't kiss the cousin hahahaha.

but omg, every time i do that with kendall, i just feel awesome the next day even though i only got like 2 hours of sleep. my body is covered in bruises from him, even on my face (hahahaha). he ravages me ;) ughhhh i want him. he is the only guy i can hook up with without pretending he is someone else. with other guys, i always just pretend they are this guy R, who works in my school's dining hall. i know, pathetic right? R is the sexiest man alive, and if kendall were 3 inches taller, kendall would top him. YUMMY. i really want to hook up with R just once so i can get over it :)

so sorry this was a boy crazy post.

back to my monday - friday no bread diet tomorrow. i'm excited, i love the feeling of being in control. i don't follow the diet on weekends, so that i can drink and stimulate my metabolism. and honestly, it works. i don't go into starvation mode so i can keep losing weight :)!!!! and no bread/bad sugars during the week helps me concentrate in school and lord knows i need all the help i can get with my ADD!!!!!

i hope y'all are doing well. i know some of you, i used to follow your blogs and comment, and i still read them, i just need to figure out what's going on with my diet because i don't really think i am having disordered eating patterns anymore, just a calorie restricted diet during the weekdays. and so i don't know how i can really contribute to your lives because i know this is somewhat of an ED community, and i don't really feel i fit in anymore, which is probably good in many ways, at least for my recovery and future. and also, many of the people who i used to talk to on here don't seem to be blogging anymore, so i need to start finding new people to follow <3

but one thing's for sure, don't be like pumpkinface hehe. and nothing tastes as good as thin feels. that's for DAMN sure.

love y'all, and i want to get back into the blogging world but baby steps for me ok?

nightmare.

last night i had a horrible nightmare. in the dream, i was sitting around with a bunch of people, and one of the girls had a shit face. literally a shit face. she kept eating and eating and stuffing her face and crying hysterically because she couldn't stop stuffing her face. her life was miserable. her name was "pumpkin face" (lol?) and now all i can think about is pumpkin face, don't be like pumpkin face... i mean it's kind of funny but also very thinspiring because she COULDN'T STOP EATING and she was so miserable. WTF. so yeah, that was scary. her face was covered in nasty orange smear and acne. it was soooo awful. definitely one of those meaningful dreams. i couldn't eat today, hahaha.

same measurements after long weekend binge!@???

i'm thrilled. i just got back from a 1 mile jog (soooo lazy haha), but literally the past 5 days have been a huge binge including alcohol. we had the long weekend off for school so i visited my parents who fed me junk food hahaha. i feel totally bloated but i took my measurements today and they haven't changed!!! i know i gained some weight but hopefully it's just water weight and i will lose it by friday, when i weigh in next. yay :) hope everyone has a lovely day, think thin ladies <3

measurements

My measurements today:
Waist: 25.5
Hips (at largest point around butt): 38
Thigh (at largest point): 22.5

My highest measurements:
Waist: 28
Hips: 40
Thigh: 24.5

stressed, 10 pounds down

meh what started out as a healthy diet for the new school year, now that i'm stressed all i want to do is resort to starving
starting weight 152
current weight 142
goal weight 134
secretly my goal weight 125

whatevs.