Days 2-4, and my hilarious day

Day two: What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest.)
Obviously I want to look good, in all clothes, I also hate that my pant size is so large.* But it never really starts that way. It's usually a health kick, or a response to stress. It's more about control. Then I am never really happy even if I reach my goal weight - my goals just keep getting lower.

Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?
Yes. My diet usually starts out with the goal of 1200 calories per day, simply because all those calorie counters say that's the lowest healthy intake. But if I am restricting, I can never eat even 1000 calories, I don't know why, it's just impossible for me. Typically I will eat 600-1000 calories, with the goal to eat 1200 (which I never meet). I try to eat more on Wednesday (goal 1500, also rarely met) to kick my metab, which never actually happens since by Wednesdays I am already addicted to starvation. In order to avoid "starvation mode" and "eating disorder" I let myself go on the weekends, and "eat whatever I want," aka binge. But I am always hesitant to start my "diet vacation" by the time Friday comes. Usually it starts with drinking, or just something social. But it depends on my mood.

Day four: Do you work out? How many times a week?
Yes. At least 5. I used to be a gym rat, and I would work off every "excess calorie" I consumed, every single day. Which is like bulimia, except better and worse in some ways, it takes hours to burn off a binge. Then my nutritionist made me limit my gym time, which actually sort of helped me limit my binging because I had to somewhat sever the link between exercise and food in my mind. And I know, I know, the nutritionist wanted me to gain weight and a healthy perspective, blahblahblah, why listen? Well she also scared me by telling me this: if you aren't eating enough (hello girls, none of us are, that's why we're here), but you are exercising a ton, your metabolism will actually STOP and it is replaced by your exercise calorie burn, so basically, the second you stop exercising you will become a fat lard no matter what you eat. So it's better to do moderate exercise, cause then you are also less likely to burn yourself out and injure yourself, which could lead to the fat lard syndrome. Now, I usually do like 30 minutes to an hour of cardio (running outside or on the treadmill) 3 times a week, and swim or elliptical twice a week. Sometimes I do weights, ideally 2-3 times a week but I'm wicked lazy. I mainly do them when I feel like my butt is losing muscle tone and looks flabby. Sometimes I will do interval training with my running, especially if I am feeling bored or lazy. So I walk or jog for a minute, sprint for a minute, that kinda thing. Since it is the week before thanksgiving break, during which I won't be able to hit the gym for 5 straight days (!!!!) I am making myself work out every single day until I leave (Tuesday) to make up for it. Also, sometimes when I am running my vision starts to blur and I feel weak and faint, so I sometimes have to limit that too, because hell I am not trying to die, I already ended up in the hospital enough from fainting incidents. Hospitals are gross. I contracted MRSA in the hospital this summer (from getting stitched above my eye, cause I fainted, despite being relatively healthy at the time. Oh eating disorders and their long-term consequences.)


OK now onto my anecdote for today!
So today, I had to skip my morning class to go into the city and give the Italian consulate my application and materials for a visa (I am pretty certain I am studying abroad in the spring, in Italy). So obviiii I wanted to look super sophisticated, so I wore this cute black/grey jumper I had bought in Italy, and black leather boots. I felt so good-looking, I was kind of strutting down the street as if I were some super confident, sexy European girl. And people legit treated me that way. Some guy chased after me and asked me if I were Ukrainian because he loved my style and I was "so beautiful like a Ukrainian girl," I know he was super creepy but it was a total ego boost. I go to an all-girls school, so I often forget that I am attractive (not to be braggy, it's just that I don't get much attention from sober guys, since I NEVER SEE THEM, hahaha). And guys were staring at me and being soooo hospitable, and I even had filled out the complete wrong application for the visa, and the crabby guy at the desk who kept turning people wrong for application errors, let me slide. UGH LOVED IT. It was a perfect day. I think sometimes inner confidence projects outer beauty. I felt great. Of course it helped that I was running on green tea and Adderall all day. Maybe I will try to be more stylish all the time! Haha. Anyway, I am so excited to go back and pick up my Visa since I will obviously be wearing Italian clothes and hopefully will see that hot security guard again. OK wow I am ridiculous. Hahahah.

*On that note, I recently took the Levi's "Curve ID" quiz for fun, and got "Supreme Curve," which is essentially for black people. I am white. I am supposed to be skinny. That's how huge my ass/legs are. Also, that wasn't a slam on black girls, but that's normal for them, I feel like a fatass as a white girl with curves, although ironically enough, guys tend to love my ass and legs. SO CONFUSING. Anyway, I bought them - size 8/29 - and they fit perfectly. So I have a huge ass, and despite not being 150 pounds anymore, I am still a size 8. Where do I lose the weight? Boobs probably. I have the absolute smallest D cup boobs in existence - literally. My boob to ribcage ratio is definitely a D, according to Nordstrom and every store ever. But my boobs only measure like 31.5-33" depending on how fat I am.*