no promises, but...

i need some outlet. i am back at a normal, healthy weight right now, i have been struggling really hard to eat normally and exercise these past few months, so i guess this post isn't  really about losing weight. i'm at home right now on spring break. i lied to my parents about one of my grades saying i got a B+ (when i actually got a B) in an attempt to avoid conflict. well guess what? my mom is extremely angry about the "B+" she thinks i am a failure and has not let me off the hook. this is probably why i moved all the way across the country for college, but it had been so  long since i remember fighting with my parents that i forgot we ever did. instead of just relaxing when i apologized and promised to make changes, etc, she just cannot let it go. imagine if i had told her that i actually got a B. it seriously is NOT that big of a deal, and i know that if i let my grades get me down, i will go back to anorexia in an attempt to control some aspect of my life. i know this, and i am afraid of it, so part of me won't listen to my mom, but the reality is, this kind of pressure is probably why i got sick in the first place. now she is trying to get me a plane ticket so i can go back to school early since she says she doesn't want me around. ok, whatever. if i go back early, the dining halls are closed and i can't cook. i also don't have motivation to go buy food. so fuck... i am secretly kind of excited to starve. this is a really, really scary sign. also, my dorm will be open so i could sleep there, but i already told this guy who i used to like that i am coming back early and don't have anywhere to go, so he offered to let me stay with him. it is so pathetic, but i probably will, just because i want to feel loved, even if it isn't real. i just feel like the skeleton i used to be, completely weak. i predict i will be losing weight drastically pretty soon. so much for all this time spent trying to "love my body." i'm still a shit student with cold hands.