Thanksgiving Plan and Day 5/6

First of all, for those of you in the US, I'm sure you are just as nervous about Thanksgiving as I am. I am going to fly to Philadelphia on Tuesday to be with my family until Sunday. We are staying in a hotel, and going to New York, and it's basically a vacation, which means lots of eating out, plus Thanksgiving dinner itself, and no exercise (except for shopping in NYC, haha). So it's more than just Thanksgiving dinner I am worried about. But anyway, here is a link with an easy Thanksgiving foods calorie calculator! http://walking.about.com/library/cal/blthanksgivingcalories.htm SUPER helpful!!! Except I think the desserts are underestimated. Here is my meal plan, which is an absurd amount of calories, but I did the absolute maximum amount I can anticipate eating so just in case I totally stuff myself, I know the damage in advance:

Dinner roll = 90
Butter = 40
Wine = 100
Turkey (white, 4 oz.) = 180
Gravy (1/4 cup) = 50
Stuffing (1/2 cup) = 190
Mashed potatoes (1/2 cup) = 100
Pumpkin pie = 300
Apple pie = 400 (Will I be that fatty who eats both pies? Probably.)
TOTAL: 1,450 calories

That seems surprisingly low (hahahaha even though it's twice as much as I normally eat in a day). Maybe I will allow myself to be a normal/healthy girl and eat 2,000 calories that day. Will I gain weight if I do that a few times on this vacation? I guess if I do, I will feel like such shit about it that I will inevitably fast it off as soon as I get back to school, especially with all the stress of final exams coming up. I won't worry.

Day five: Is there any specific event you want to lose the weight for?
Of course not. When people diet for an event, they inevitably gain the weight back the second it's over. I want to be thinner, I hate fat, I hate largeness, I hate the way I feel when my stomach rolls when I am sitting, I hate how fat my thighs look, I hate the fat above my knees, I hate the fat on my arms, I could go on for days. In a perfect world I would get to the point where I never feel fat, nobody ever thinks even for a second that I am fat, and I can eventually just kind of eat whatever I feel like without gaining weight. But I know that, at least for me, any kind of weight loss triggers me, and it's more of a battle than it should be. Like, objectively, I could probably stop now at 133 and work on gradually increasing my calories in order to make this a permanent, healthy weight I can feasibly maintain. I would be relatively thin, with a BMI of 20.5, and most people would not find me fat. See, I know these things in my head. Stopping weight loss and starting a maintenance plan here would benefit me more in the long run and make it more likely that I can keep this weight consistent. But like I said, losing weight triggers me, so I can't really fight it. I want to stay in control.

Day six: Have you ever been overweight or underweight?
Technically by the BMI chart I have never been "overweight", but I just feel like my natural weight of 150 is on the upper end of "healthy." I have been underweight. I had my first real episode of anorexia in the 8th grade (age 13ish) that pretty much lasted until I was about 15 or 16, with a few health episodes that landed me in the hospital, and a looooot of therapy and nutritionist counseling. I was 5'5", 97 pounds, "underweight" and they wouldn't let me go till I weighed 125 pounds (which, by the way, is fucking tiny on me. I really hate how often girls lie about their weights until boys think a weight like 125 is huge. Give me a break, you don't weigh 105 pounds fatass. UGH. Weight is distributed differently on everybody.). My mom never worried about it, she just thought it was a phase. By no means could she admit to having a fucked up daughter! But I kind of thank her for it, because I just want to feel normal. By the second half of high school, I seemed to be alright, and I had gained the weight to be about 145-150 (oh I had grown a few inches too) which I was able to maintain by basically eating pizza every single day and hardly working out (I had to quit dance when I got sick). Honestly, I looked fine. But I did have a boyfriend when I was 17 who tried to make me feel insecure/hinting I was fat/etc. Somehow, it didn't trigger my ED to relapse, but I definitely shouldn't have wasted so much time and emotion on him :P In college, I was mostly fine until about sophomore year, where I suddenly dropped a ton of weight. I didn't quite reach "underweight," as I quickly ballooned back up to the 140s/150s as soon as I couldn't handle the exercise purging anymore, since I ended up binging so much. It was a mess, mostly because I always felt sick from being so all over the place, restricting, binging, the cycle really messes with your head even worse than starvation. It just feels like this epic battle going on in your mind. Then I went to Italy, which helped me find a healthy satisfaction from eating food, haha, and then this fall I am kind of back to the restricting thing but I am REALLY TRYING to make it healthy, I really am! I am trying not to have unhealthy goals, and all that, but it is so difficult with my history.

OK, well I have two exams before I can leave for vacation, so I better get going. Today I might take a walk down to Whole Foods and examine the junk food section, maybe they have all natural cookie dough and frosting, even better if they are dairy free! Because binges are kind of unavoidable, and better that they are all natural instead of this dining hall crap that just rots in your stomach...ugh...OK, bye bye!