Rant - bad friends

I have 2 best friends here at school. I live with one of them and she casually asked me how much I weighed since people were making comments about how skinny I look. I told her, not thinking it would be that upsetting since it's technically not "underweight" and she seemed to be understanding that I was really stressed out and it was hard for me to eat. But I think she told my other friend, who recently lost a lot of weight. The thing is, I have always had this eating struggle, ever since I hit puberty. This other girl's issues were very recent. Now this girl doesn't want to be friends with me because she says all I talk about is my weight and I'm so obsessed with losing weight. Now, I never once told her anything about my weight, I try to avoid that subject with everyone...hence having a blog to write about and read about this obsession. I especially try to avoid that subject with her because I know it's touchy and she claims it's all these newfound "food allergies," while it seems like starvation but I am not the one to judge her. But somehow she thinks it's OK to judge me! And the worst thing was, she said that my "newfound obsession with losing weight" was an insult to her and she thinks I am "copying" her. What are we, children? She is so narcissistic that she didn't even notice I was even losing weight, and when someone told her about it, she thinks it's about HER. What on earth? And to top it all off, she said, "YOUR issues are by choice, MINE are out of my hands because of all my FOOD ALLERGIES." Look, maybe she does have all these "new food allergies" (to every single food group imaginable), I have no idea, but I know that sometimes in the past I have lied about having food allergies to avoid eating. So whatever. This really hurt me because I have been struggling with eating disorders for 8 years of my life. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. But I have been in treatment before and I have spent enough months missing out on life to exercise all day long, to not have to take this shit. What a terrible friend. It just hurts and makes me feel so lonely. I can't believe I even tried to explain to her my situation, and let her in on my past a little bit, just so she would maybe understand what was really going on, but she didn't want to hear any of it and now I just feel like I opened up to someone for nothing and that feels awful. I thought our friendship was worth more than this, but she's done. And I was there for her, never judging her, for all the things she went through, even when I saw her being horribly manipulative to some very innocent people. Even though seeing her clearly go through eating issues was a little triggering to me, it never was a reason to stop being friends with her. You don't desert a friend in need. The real triggers in my life are things like this - BEING deserted, feeling alone, feeling overwhelmed, feeling like a failure, needing something to control. Now I feel like I have no friends and it sucks, because I isolate myself like a hermit since I can't deal with anything and it's easier to just be alone with my obsessive behaviors.

not a functioning member of society

hello. i feel like i cannot function at all. some times i try to wake up with a positive attitude, and for a few hours i feel motivated. but then i am all alone again and i realize it. i can't bring myself to do laundry, so i sleep in dirty sheets. i can't sleep, i can't eat. i'm just not a functioning human being. how do other people do it? how do they stay balanced? how do they eat enough without eating too much? i feel like everything is so black and white. i'm not good enough for anyone. ever since i got cheated on and my bf and i broke up this summer, it's been one bad things after another, one job rejection after another, and nothing i do is good enough. i'm not even worth an explanation, except from my bf, literally: "I don't know why I did it. I just forgot about you in the moment, I was so impressed by her." i want to tear my hair out and go hibernate, but being alone with my thoughts is too difficult. but at least it's better than being around others. it's just too much.

compliments

I was talking to this guy I have had a crush on for awhile (the one with the baby....I know I shouldn't) today and when I stood up he said to me, "whoaa you are so skinny, you need to eat something" and then I felt good for the first time in a long time... even though I protested and argued with him like "I eat SO MUCHHHH you have no idea!!!" I can't wait to lose even more weight, I feel like it's all I have. I need this inner world, you know?

Revenge

Hi ladies. When I was 14 I was wronged by my school's administration, getting into trouble for something I did not do and that, even if I did do, they should have legally been obligated to help me, not expel me. I'm sorry I'm not giving much detail here but for some reason I've been dwelling on it a lot lately. Now that I am 21 and can reflect on the situation distantly and more clearly, I want to let them know that they wronged me and that legally they should have helped me as opposed to make my life more complicated because they didn't want to deal with it. Do you all think it would be appropriate to write a letter to them now? Too little, too late? Sometimes I feel like I'm going to hold onto this anger forever. What do you do when you want to stand up for yourself, even years later? Revenge is best served cold, right?

Weekly goal

This week will be one of my toughest weeks so far, just with the amount of exams and stuff. I last weighed in on Friday at 131.6. My goal is to get below 130 this week. Then I will finally be down to the 120s and my BMI in the 19s. Once I get there, I will post a picture.

Sorry I don't really have much to say, I'm really overwhelmed with school right now. I just want everything to be perfect, and little by little, I'm realizing that I don't have control over everything. And that terrifies me so much.

Weight Loss Fluke??!

Hey guys. I'm sure nobody reads my blog anymore, but I thought I'd post this anyway since I am really curious what anybody thinks. So a couple weeks ago I weighed in at 132.2, which was pretty low but not impossibly low. Since then I have followed the same diet but now I regularly weigh in more between 133-136. It's so frustrating! Was that one day of 132 pounds a fluke? I tried moving my scale to multiple points in my room to verify and they all gave the same number. Could it be that I am approaching my period this week so my weight has gone up? What do you know about that kind of thing??

Thanks :)

New beginnings

School's started and I'm back on my dieting and I've decided to start blogging again. The past two weeks I've lost 10 pounds (152 to 142) because it's the start of a diet and my body's shocked and flushing out all the bad foods I ate before. My goal is 125. This year I feel different than before. Studying abroad last year I felt so free and I stopped obsessing about weight/food/body things and just lived and it was unforgettable. But I crave the control, and the autumn weather is the perfect amount of coldness to really snuggle in with that control and empty feeling. There's no better feeling than swimming in fall clothes. I fell in love when I was abroad and he acted like he wanted to do long distance and he was going to move out here. But of course after 2 months of long distance he cheated on me. I hate all males. I don't want to hook up with anyone, I don't want to date anyone. I just don't know what to do with myself. All I can do is focus on school and my body and my friends, which is fine since it's my last year of university. The only guy who doesn't make me want to vomit, has a child. So I hate him. But I do like flirting with him. Does that make me a bad person? I can't help myself. I've been attracted to him for so long before I knew about the child. Now I just don't care about anyone so he's just a reason to get excited about something. I don't know if that makes sense.

Though I haven't been posting, I've been reading blogs on here. I'm so inspired. Let's do this.