doubts

my boyfriend said he was sure about us before he went on vacation, then he said his vacation made him even more sure about us. but why is his friend telling me that he isn't sure and that he didn't miss me and that he cheated?? i don't know what to do.

update from italy

maybe i'm just really tired but i'm enjoying the soreness i'm getting from my laptop resting on my ribcage

Finals and being a FATTY

Final exams start Monday. I have been pigging out for awhile now. I finally stepped on the scale this morning - 140.2. I have gained roughly 6 pounds. I am also expecting my period and it hasn't come yet, which could explain some water retention and my inability to diet. I have just been eating junk, including a lot of dairy products. I ordered a domino's pizza and cheesy bread and ate the whole thing by myself while watching TV on Wednesday night to "celebrate" classes being done. I locked my door while I did it so I could be in private. How pathetic is that? I can't seem to stop myself from eating junk food. But I know that once my period comes I will be less inclined to eat junk food, because that's what always happens to me. I just wish I could lose this weight before I get home because it's so hard on vacation to stay thin :( AND I am going to study abroad in Italy in a month so I need to be thin for that because as we all know, Italian food....yeah. I think all this dairy overload is killing me. I feel all stuffed up. And dairy is crazy fattening. I don't mind weighing 140.2, but the problem is (for all you math nerds) the derivative. I am on an upward trend. I need to go back down or maintain or something. So my plan is to exercise moderately this week to kick my metabolism back in gear, let my period come and reduce my binging, and reduce my dairy. It's so hard during reading period and finals to have a good diet/exercise/sleep routine since the time is soooo unstructured!!!! I also need to eat right to concentrate!!!!

OK good luck to everyone.

Day 17-23 and formaaal

Day seventeen: Have you ever been called fat? Or skinny?
Yes, people constantly call me skinny, but I think they're just being polite. When I hit puberty I always felt large in comparison to other people, but I don't think anyone called me fat. Maybe they did. I don't remember specifically. I just remember being freakishly tall as the first girl in my 6th grade class to reach 5 feet tall. How silly. My ex boyfriend called me fat once because I kept telling him to be honest and I wouldn't let up at all, I think his friend was saying how I was too fat or something and I found out about it, and I was so upset. In hindsight, I think the friend was just mad that he was spending more time with me than with him, but I guess I'll never know :(

Day eighteen: Do you have to eat any meals with your family? Are they for or against your diet?
Now that I've been in college and living on my own, most of the meals I eat with my family are holidays or vacations. So usually they are against my diet. If I diet my mom compliments my weight loss and asks the obligatory "Are you eating?" but mostly she tells me to stay the way I am. My mom has always made it a rule that basically I'm not allowed to know my weight. But obviously I do.

Day nineteen: Have you ever lied to avoid eating something?
Yes. In fact, just yesterday, my teacher ordered pizza for our class. First of all, what the hell - pizza isn't brain food. But apparently people find it alarming when someone chooses NOT to pig out on pizza in CLASS. What is wrong with society?

Day twenty: Do you binge? How often and what triggers it?
Yes. Boredom. The second I start to watch TV, I feel I need to binge eat. It's mostly just TV-induced. When I eat too much at holidays or restaurants, I don't technically consider it a "binge" because it isn't as pathetic since it's somewhat social, but it still is a binge because it's too many calories. I also can't eat a little bit of certain foods without needing to eat the entire thing. I'm getting slightly better at this problem, though, but I still screw up. That's why I need a couple days off a week.

Day twenty-one: Do you listen to music when you work out?
 Yes! I have to! I have a playlist of house music and trance music that I love to run to. My favorite workout music is Avicii, Kaskade, Calvin Harris, ATB, Armin van Buuren, and a lot of other music that falls into a similar category. Some of it is upbeat (like Avicii and ATB), others are just very good at getting me going at a steady pace for a longer period of time and zoning my head out (like Kaskade).

Week four!

Weekly challenge: Switch up your diet. Try one fruit and one vegetable you’ve never tried before, and learn how to cook a new healthy meal.

Day twenty-three: Do you feel that your weight holds you back socially?
Sometimes I feel my diet does. Sometimes I feel like I critique my body too much and accidentally I do it in front of others. I think that annoys people. Sometimes I feel like my legs are too fat for outfits, especially my knees. I also feel like I can't wear leggings with shirts that don't cover my hips. I wish I could. I'm not sure if that's social or not, but it impacts confidence I suppose.



In other news, I went to a fraternity's formal this weekend. I haven't been eating great for awhile since Thanksgiving, but looking at the pictures I don't look as huge as I thought I would be. At the formal they fed me this huge plate of pasta with ALFREDO sauce, chicken, ice cream, brownies, tons of champagne, ughhhh. Here's a picture, I actually really like the way I look even though my butt looks huge. I think I look super healthy. I wish I could stay like that without worrying, you know? Even though it is by no means how thin I would be had I not pigged out for 2 weeks straight :( I would say I weigh 140 in this picture. My friend who was super drunk kept gushing to me all night about how healthy and happy and skinny and pretty I looked. IDK why but that made me smile the entire night :)

Day 15 & 16

Week three!
Weekly challenge: Add an extra 30 minutes to each work out this week, or if you weren’t going to work out at all one day, work out for 30 minutes!

Day fifteen: What is your favourite kind of exercise?

Treadmill, Bar Method (they are amazing fun music and fast-paced pilates classes with more weights and yoga and ballet barre exercises incorporated), swimming is good for relaxing.

Day sixteen: Have you ever missed a work out just because you couldn’t be bothered?

Yes, but rarely. I usually work out in the mornings, which I love. It just makes my day. I only skip working out if I just need to sleep past 6 or 7 because I stayed up too late.

Days 7-14 (WOW I totally suck at being consistent)

Last night I got back from vacation, and I just want to preface by saying I ate SO MUCH between Wednesday and Sunday, OH MY GOODNESS. And I feel like an inflated balloon. Hahaha. But the thing is, my parents and my brother's ano GF were like "OMG you look SO SKINNY" blahblahblah even by the end of my week long binge hahaha so I am not too worried. I feel like I have food inside of me that needs to get out so today I mostly fasted and I will probably eat a lot less this week than I usually do, but honestly after eating approximately 3000 calories per day this past week (not even kidding), I'm not hungry at all. Hah. So it's not a big deal, I am not worried about gaining weight, I think I will be back to normal by the end of this week! On break, I went shopping SO MUCH and bought sooooo many new clothes I am super excited! Lots of big sweaters for that baggy "heroin chic" look lol, scarves, jewelry, pants, cords, skirts, tops, tights, leggings, just SO MUCH STUFF. I am so materialistic, it makes me feel so good. Sadly this guy I have had a pathetic crush on for a long time just became a dad. What the fuck. He never told me he got a girl preg, but I found out via being a total stalker, and the baby was just born last week, so I def needed a break and am so glad I got away for awhile. Ugh. I haven't seen him yet, I don't really know what to say/how to act. I know I should probably congratulate him, I even contemplated buying a gift, but IDK I also feel like a stalker for knowing about it hahaha. Oh well. Back to the questionnaire!

Day seven: Do your friends and family know you are trying to lose weight?

At the moment, no, just that I am on a "Health Kick." Bullshitbullshitbullshit. But kind of true. That's how it always starts, anyway.

Week Two!
If you broke your unhealthy habit for one week, congratulations! Why not try two weeks?

Weekly challenge: Get organised! This week try to plan tomorrow’s meal the night before.

Day eight: Name 5 things you like about your body (you can do it) and the one body part you’d like to change the most. 

 

I like my stomach (it's usually pretty flat and my waist stays trim even in fat times), I like my face, I love my lips, I like my wrists (they are bony and delicate), I like my shoulders (they are always bony and narrow). I can't decide between my thighs and my arms. My thighs are thick, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that no guy has ever talked shit about them, in fact, I get tons of compliments on them (but seriously, they are thick. Like, at my skinniest, 22.5." At my average weight, 24.5." HUGE.), so I can't really decide. Also, they aren't flabby, they are just thick and muscular (although I do have a bit of over the knee fat which I hate, and inner thigh fat, and cellulite, and stretch marks, and ew ew ew ok stopstopstop). My arms are embarrassing though. From behind especially. Very flabby. GROSSSSS.

 

Day nine: What is your favourite food, healthy or unhealthy.

Pizza with extra mozzarella.

Day ten: Do you eat breakfast? What do you usually have?

These days, oatmeal with a bit of granola, sometimes with blueberries or raisins or flaxseeds on top. In the past, I'd eat yogurt and an egg white. If I am hungover, I like stuff like waffles with tons of sugar and syrup, cheesy omelettes/scrambled eggs, bagel with tons of cream cheese, etc.

Day eleven: What are your family’s eating habits like?

No one in my family cooks. So we basically just eat out all the time. My mom likes to snack on cheese, she is kind of chub (though only since age 40, up till then she was actually super thin, I guess her metabolism stopped but her bad habits continued, especially since she was a stay at home mom with lots of time to eat...although she definitely went on plenty of "crash diets" - aka eating disorder, all her life until now). We order deep dish pizza a lot. We like this diner with horribly unhealthy food. We like italian food a lot. We eat pasta a lot. We eat too much. My dad is pretty thin. Both my parents are very healthy for 60 years old, and they both look just fine, so I would say I'm not too worried about my genetics. We don't eat processed foods, in fact I don't think we've ever had white bread in our house EVER, and never sugary cereals, etc. No diet soda. My mom is vehemently against diet soda. She barely drinks caffeine. Sometimes some ice tea before noon, that's it. My parents are weird with food because we never have real food in our house, but at the same time, I love their style because they just kind of do whatever, eat a ton, and they are totally fine. :)

Day twelve: What are your friend’s eating habits like?

This is an interesting question. My friends fall into 3 categories: Eating disorder, healthy eaters, overweight "I LOVE MY BODY" eaters. My friends with eating disorders tend to eat nothing in public, and fabricate food allergies all the time ("Oh I'm suddenly allergic to gluten...no more bread!") but then they end up buying a lot of food to store in their rooms in private, so I never see them eat it. I know I have bulimic friends but it's different with them, none of them have an extreme bulimia such that I see how much they eat and get concerned (if they do, they do it in private). My healthy friends (which are few and far between) tend to eat a ton like a "normal college student," especially a ton of shitty food like pizza, cookies, ice cream. But they either work out or don't, and manage to stay looking normal, and thin. This is the category I fall into whenever I seem to be out of the clutches of my eating issues. It's funny that I consider this healthy, because it's not like they are making sure to eat whole grains and vegetables, etc., but it's more about the mindset and just not worrying about it too much, and not having to worry about it because metabolisms are effective. My fat friends (I only have one) act like they have such a healthy body image, and such a healthy relationship with food (get off your high horse BITCH), and such a healthy work out regime (Yeah I saw you walking on the elliptical, like ONCE, liar) (can you tell how I really feel? hahaha) but I totally see them eating multiple desserts per meal. Like, who really needs to eat 2 cookies and ice cream every lunch time? And she blames her genes for her overweightness. Give me a break. Hahaha. Here's where the genetics come in: either you can eat whatever the fuck you want and not get fat, or you eat whatever the fuck you want and you will get fat (probably cause you were born fat). But you can always lose weight, you just have less budgeting space available if your genetics are fat. UGH.

Day thirteen: Is your diet ever negatively influenced by your friends? Do they pressure/tempt you to eat unhealthy food?

During the week they know I have this "brain food" regime, where I don't eat junk food, so it's pretty easy for me to not fall into whatever they're doing. On the weekends there's pressure to drink (SO MANY CALORIES) and then if I see them eating something that looks good, I will feel more inclined to grab one for myself.

Day fourteen: Do you ever allow yourself a “rest day” from exercise or a “cheat day” from your diet?

Yes, the weekends. It's the only way I can stay away from the total depression I have felt before from starving myself all the time, and it's the only way I can stay away from slipping back into anorexia. It's also the only way I can stay away from slipping back into bulimia because if I eat "more" on Wednesdays, and again on the weekends, I am restricting less and will therefore have less out of control binges. It actually works for me. I have been there enough times to know that, this restricting is inevitable for me, it's a way I handle things in my life, but I don't want to be sick anymore, so I have to stay sane somehow. Being lax about my diet a few days a week helps me with that.

Thanksgiving Plan and Day 5/6

First of all, for those of you in the US, I'm sure you are just as nervous about Thanksgiving as I am. I am going to fly to Philadelphia on Tuesday to be with my family until Sunday. We are staying in a hotel, and going to New York, and it's basically a vacation, which means lots of eating out, plus Thanksgiving dinner itself, and no exercise (except for shopping in NYC, haha). So it's more than just Thanksgiving dinner I am worried about. But anyway, here is a link with an easy Thanksgiving foods calorie calculator! http://walking.about.com/library/cal/blthanksgivingcalories.htm SUPER helpful!!! Except I think the desserts are underestimated. Here is my meal plan, which is an absurd amount of calories, but I did the absolute maximum amount I can anticipate eating so just in case I totally stuff myself, I know the damage in advance:

Dinner roll = 90
Butter = 40
Wine = 100
Turkey (white, 4 oz.) = 180
Gravy (1/4 cup) = 50
Stuffing (1/2 cup) = 190
Mashed potatoes (1/2 cup) = 100
Pumpkin pie = 300
Apple pie = 400 (Will I be that fatty who eats both pies? Probably.)
TOTAL: 1,450 calories

That seems surprisingly low (hahahaha even though it's twice as much as I normally eat in a day). Maybe I will allow myself to be a normal/healthy girl and eat 2,000 calories that day. Will I gain weight if I do that a few times on this vacation? I guess if I do, I will feel like such shit about it that I will inevitably fast it off as soon as I get back to school, especially with all the stress of final exams coming up. I won't worry.

Day five: Is there any specific event you want to lose the weight for?
Of course not. When people diet for an event, they inevitably gain the weight back the second it's over. I want to be thinner, I hate fat, I hate largeness, I hate the way I feel when my stomach rolls when I am sitting, I hate how fat my thighs look, I hate the fat above my knees, I hate the fat on my arms, I could go on for days. In a perfect world I would get to the point where I never feel fat, nobody ever thinks even for a second that I am fat, and I can eventually just kind of eat whatever I feel like without gaining weight. But I know that, at least for me, any kind of weight loss triggers me, and it's more of a battle than it should be. Like, objectively, I could probably stop now at 133 and work on gradually increasing my calories in order to make this a permanent, healthy weight I can feasibly maintain. I would be relatively thin, with a BMI of 20.5, and most people would not find me fat. See, I know these things in my head. Stopping weight loss and starting a maintenance plan here would benefit me more in the long run and make it more likely that I can keep this weight consistent. But like I said, losing weight triggers me, so I can't really fight it. I want to stay in control.

Day six: Have you ever been overweight or underweight?
Technically by the BMI chart I have never been "overweight", but I just feel like my natural weight of 150 is on the upper end of "healthy." I have been underweight. I had my first real episode of anorexia in the 8th grade (age 13ish) that pretty much lasted until I was about 15 or 16, with a few health episodes that landed me in the hospital, and a looooot of therapy and nutritionist counseling. I was 5'5", 97 pounds, "underweight" and they wouldn't let me go till I weighed 125 pounds (which, by the way, is fucking tiny on me. I really hate how often girls lie about their weights until boys think a weight like 125 is huge. Give me a break, you don't weigh 105 pounds fatass. UGH. Weight is distributed differently on everybody.). My mom never worried about it, she just thought it was a phase. By no means could she admit to having a fucked up daughter! But I kind of thank her for it, because I just want to feel normal. By the second half of high school, I seemed to be alright, and I had gained the weight to be about 145-150 (oh I had grown a few inches too) which I was able to maintain by basically eating pizza every single day and hardly working out (I had to quit dance when I got sick). Honestly, I looked fine. But I did have a boyfriend when I was 17 who tried to make me feel insecure/hinting I was fat/etc. Somehow, it didn't trigger my ED to relapse, but I definitely shouldn't have wasted so much time and emotion on him :P In college, I was mostly fine until about sophomore year, where I suddenly dropped a ton of weight. I didn't quite reach "underweight," as I quickly ballooned back up to the 140s/150s as soon as I couldn't handle the exercise purging anymore, since I ended up binging so much. It was a mess, mostly because I always felt sick from being so all over the place, restricting, binging, the cycle really messes with your head even worse than starvation. It just feels like this epic battle going on in your mind. Then I went to Italy, which helped me find a healthy satisfaction from eating food, haha, and then this fall I am kind of back to the restricting thing but I am REALLY TRYING to make it healthy, I really am! I am trying not to have unhealthy goals, and all that, but it is so difficult with my history.

OK, well I have two exams before I can leave for vacation, so I better get going. Today I might take a walk down to Whole Foods and examine the junk food section, maybe they have all natural cookie dough and frosting, even better if they are dairy free! Because binges are kind of unavoidable, and better that they are all natural instead of this dining hall crap that just rots in your stomach...ugh...OK, bye bye!