last night this guy took me out to dinner. we were friends last year, and randomly reconnected last weekend. i ended up staying over at his place because it was empty (everyone has mostly left for thanksgiving break), watched a movie, and passed out. he's a body builder, so his muscles are HUGE. i felt incredibly protected and safe, i felt so small and tiny, fragile but not afraid, in his strong arms. i like that.
so santa claus give me a body builder please :)
anyway...my fat is officially named "The Layer." i need to rip this layer off. do you guys feel that too, like it's this layer that hurts and is holding you back? it makes you sick? every day it's different. sometimes it's a 20 pound layer i want gone. other days it's less. other days it's more. i'm in this limbo.
yeah so more about The Layer... friday night i came back to my room at like 2 AM, i had just escaped from this asshole guy who kept trying to convince me to have sex with him, and my roommate and her friend were being bitches to me... i just felt so awful and fat, and i was still sort of drunk... i just threw myself in bed and tried to cry into the pillows. i suck at crying, it never comes out. i felt like tearing at my skin cause i have gained so much weight lately, i feel flabby nasty, and i can't stop obsessively groping my hip bones, collar bones, ribs...anything to make sure i haven't exploded into a marshmellow. i realized i have been carrying this layer forever, since i almost lost my virginity in the most humiliating way at 14 years. i always felt like this humongous ball of dirty impurity since then. i'm too embarrassed to talk about it to anyone, but i wish i could. i didn't fully have sex then, but he kept pushing his dick there while i said stop, and finally he stopped trying, but it was like my body closed up to him so that's why i consider myself a virgin. and it's so weird being almost 20 and still a virgin, but i am petrified to lose it, to let anything at all go inside. and this Layer of FAT is just part of that dirtiness i feel..it's weird...oh well long ramble. the only way i can feel pure is losing weight because it's all too much, you know?
i am so nervous for thanksgiving! it's been so long since i've eaten with my parents, and of course of all meals it's the biggest one of the year!!! what to do!?????
haha omg i love muscle-y guys too (for the same reasons!). i also grope myself (i hate how this sounds "dirty" but its the only way to describe it) especially after a binge just to make sure that i can still feel my hip bones and that my shoulders are still bony etc. i totally understand :/
ReplyDeletei fucking hate pushy assholes like that who think that if they keep "trying" you'll eventually say ok even if you're clearly saying no! don't worry, if you didn't feel it inside of you then i'm sure you're still a virgin, but i am so sorry that you had that experience at that age in the first place :/
oh thanksgiving... "what to do" is my sentiment exactly sigh.
mmmmm yummy builders... I love muscle and to feel protected its the best feeling yet.
ReplyDelete"The Layer"... i love it. well no the layer itself but the name for it the skin and fat which sits on top of what we want, the skin and fat which tortures us. I understand exactly what you mean.
OMG you and I are alike.... I kinda did the same, like my boyf kept trying but stopped after i sed no pretty much straight away. I am kinda scared to let go of it myself
thank god we arent doing thanksgiving this year. My dad is american so we do it every year, just not this year because everyone is "TOO BUSY" :D... I wish you luck into deciding what to do. Maybe let yourself have this one day and work your butt off later?
I love that sensation of feeling small in someones arms, I miss it. And i wish i could just rip my fat off too the layer is a perfect metaphor. Im osrry to hear of your issues with sex and boys, its tough and it doesnt get easier or clearer. be careful and stay strong girl
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