food picture-warning dont look if it will trigger yoU!

Hello lovely ladies! So I have gained some weight, but let me explain myself. My mom knew I was feeling down and so she sent me this to cheer me up(for Halloween) (AREN'T THEY ADORABLE)

They are 12 chocolate covered, huge strawberries. They were very good, but I ate all of them (over 2 days, goodness...) And besides that I have been binging (though still exercising a lot), so I am back up a few pounds. Icky. But I am feeling like I am gaining back control. Yesterday, I got my econ midterm back and I received the highest grade in the course! It made me feel better, like I can control this one class, I can control my body too. Too bad I'm failing in math, my major :( Oh well, I am so far behind, I'll just have to catch up.

Is this going to sound so fucked up and whiny? Oh well, I'll go for it anyway. I want to get so underweight by thanksgiving that when my parents see me, they will want me to move back in with them, and let me quit school. I know, I know. I'm desperate for attention. Great. I'm fucked up. What's new.

On the, somewhat, bright side, on Friday, I am going to see a school therapist (we get it for free!) and hopefully they will help me fix my absurd deathly fear of sex.

Dave Matthews is coming to Boston next week. I want to go, but I have a midterm in the course I am already failing the next morning!! Part of my is just like, fuck it, I'll do what I want. But then, of course, failing again will trigger me and send me one of three directions: 1. extreme binging, 2. extreme starving, or 3. (less likely since I quit) drugs.

Unfortunately, I'm only afraid of number 1, binging.

Anyway, I hope you guys are all doing wonderfully and being happy in your beautiful skin :) I found this old pic of me from when I was 16, about 2 months after finishing ana treatment.. I still look like I feel weightless, and like I feel free, even though I had just gained like 20 pounds from the treatment. Strange. Also note the red pro-ana bracelet. I guess they can feed you, but you never forget.