genetics

Hey guys! Happy Halloween :) So last night was weird. My friends planned to take the 7 PM bus into the city to have dinner and get ready and party, but the gym closes on Saturdays at 6. I went into the gym at 2:30 and got out at 6:30 (the guy who closes it came later that evening). I was nasty and sweaty and stuff and I figured I wouldn't be able to shower/get ready in time, and besides, I still wanted to finish my core workout in my room. So I didn't go out with them. I got really upset by this: why was I alone on a Saturday night? Why was I doing this? Why would I do this to myself? I am stressed about school, like I can't handle it. It's my control issues creeping in, but it's getting out of control. Great, I am back to where I was 4 years ago, but instead of being less than 100 pounds and emaciated, I am fat. It's all in my head, I know...I know it is...but I can't accept it.

So I went to a bar with J, the boy, last night instead. I had been crying and just wanted more than anything to get a hug, so I called him and he talked to me about my academic stresses. That was awkward, because usually I only talk to him about his problems, never mine. It's hard to talk about mine with people I am face-to-face with, it's like problems should be anonymous and invisible. I slept over at J's apartment and this morning on my way home, I stopped by my brother's apartment because I guess my family is worried about me.

It's so weird, but my brother instantly knew what was up. As ever, he was brilliant about how to bring it up. He casually mentioned how his sophomore year in college he got too stressed about school and had eating issues. I never realized this about him, but it would explain why he went from slightly chubby and sedentary to an extreme athlete and super skinny in such a short time. Turns out he was some combination of "manorexic" (love that word lol) and a compulsive exerciser. JUST LIKE ME. Whoa. And he knew immediately I was doing the same thing to myself. And he made me feel so much comfort.

On a side note, my brother (now 26 years old) had a major life-threatening shoulder injury/blood clot last year that was a result of his excessive exercise during college. He got ribs removed and his nerves are still healing now, and he almost died. But he told me that this is why you have to treat your body well. The problem is that you (me) don't get it or believe it yet, but it will be OK because you will.


That was beyond helpful. He basically told me that eventually it will get so bad (injury-wise and emotionally) but then it will get better. I will let myself take rest days, and in doing so, have more efficient and shorter workouts. I trust my brother. This makes me feel less scared and free to be disordered like this knowing it's unsustainable, but it will be okay at some point. Ah. <3