Rant - bad friends

I have 2 best friends here at school. I live with one of them and she casually asked me how much I weighed since people were making comments about how skinny I look. I told her, not thinking it would be that upsetting since it's technically not "underweight" and she seemed to be understanding that I was really stressed out and it was hard for me to eat. But I think she told my other friend, who recently lost a lot of weight. The thing is, I have always had this eating struggle, ever since I hit puberty. This other girl's issues were very recent. Now this girl doesn't want to be friends with me because she says all I talk about is my weight and I'm so obsessed with losing weight. Now, I never once told her anything about my weight, I try to avoid that subject with everyone...hence having a blog to write about and read about this obsession. I especially try to avoid that subject with her because I know it's touchy and she claims it's all these newfound "food allergies," while it seems like starvation but I am not the one to judge her. But somehow she thinks it's OK to judge me! And the worst thing was, she said that my "newfound obsession with losing weight" was an insult to her and she thinks I am "copying" her. What are we, children? She is so narcissistic that she didn't even notice I was even losing weight, and when someone told her about it, she thinks it's about HER. What on earth? And to top it all off, she said, "YOUR issues are by choice, MINE are out of my hands because of all my FOOD ALLERGIES." Look, maybe she does have all these "new food allergies" (to every single food group imaginable), I have no idea, but I know that sometimes in the past I have lied about having food allergies to avoid eating. So whatever. This really hurt me because I have been struggling with eating disorders for 8 years of my life. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. But I have been in treatment before and I have spent enough months missing out on life to exercise all day long, to not have to take this shit. What a terrible friend. It just hurts and makes me feel so lonely. I can't believe I even tried to explain to her my situation, and let her in on my past a little bit, just so she would maybe understand what was really going on, but she didn't want to hear any of it and now I just feel like I opened up to someone for nothing and that feels awful. I thought our friendship was worth more than this, but she's done. And I was there for her, never judging her, for all the things she went through, even when I saw her being horribly manipulative to some very innocent people. Even though seeing her clearly go through eating issues was a little triggering to me, it never was a reason to stop being friends with her. You don't desert a friend in need. The real triggers in my life are things like this - BEING deserted, feeling alone, feeling overwhelmed, feeling like a failure, needing something to control. Now I feel like I have no friends and it sucks, because I isolate myself like a hermit since I can't deal with anything and it's easier to just be alone with my obsessive behaviors.

not a functioning member of society

hello. i feel like i cannot function at all. some times i try to wake up with a positive attitude, and for a few hours i feel motivated. but then i am all alone again and i realize it. i can't bring myself to do laundry, so i sleep in dirty sheets. i can't sleep, i can't eat. i'm just not a functioning human being. how do other people do it? how do they stay balanced? how do they eat enough without eating too much? i feel like everything is so black and white. i'm not good enough for anyone. ever since i got cheated on and my bf and i broke up this summer, it's been one bad things after another, one job rejection after another, and nothing i do is good enough. i'm not even worth an explanation, except from my bf, literally: "I don't know why I did it. I just forgot about you in the moment, I was so impressed by her." i want to tear my hair out and go hibernate, but being alone with my thoughts is too difficult. but at least it's better than being around others. it's just too much.

compliments

I was talking to this guy I have had a crush on for awhile (the one with the baby....I know I shouldn't) today and when I stood up he said to me, "whoaa you are so skinny, you need to eat something" and then I felt good for the first time in a long time... even though I protested and argued with him like "I eat SO MUCHHHH you have no idea!!!" I can't wait to lose even more weight, I feel like it's all I have. I need this inner world, you know?

Revenge

Hi ladies. When I was 14 I was wronged by my school's administration, getting into trouble for something I did not do and that, even if I did do, they should have legally been obligated to help me, not expel me. I'm sorry I'm not giving much detail here but for some reason I've been dwelling on it a lot lately. Now that I am 21 and can reflect on the situation distantly and more clearly, I want to let them know that they wronged me and that legally they should have helped me as opposed to make my life more complicated because they didn't want to deal with it. Do you all think it would be appropriate to write a letter to them now? Too little, too late? Sometimes I feel like I'm going to hold onto this anger forever. What do you do when you want to stand up for yourself, even years later? Revenge is best served cold, right?

Weekly goal

This week will be one of my toughest weeks so far, just with the amount of exams and stuff. I last weighed in on Friday at 131.6. My goal is to get below 130 this week. Then I will finally be down to the 120s and my BMI in the 19s. Once I get there, I will post a picture.

Sorry I don't really have much to say, I'm really overwhelmed with school right now. I just want everything to be perfect, and little by little, I'm realizing that I don't have control over everything. And that terrifies me so much.

Weight Loss Fluke??!

Hey guys. I'm sure nobody reads my blog anymore, but I thought I'd post this anyway since I am really curious what anybody thinks. So a couple weeks ago I weighed in at 132.2, which was pretty low but not impossibly low. Since then I have followed the same diet but now I regularly weigh in more between 133-136. It's so frustrating! Was that one day of 132 pounds a fluke? I tried moving my scale to multiple points in my room to verify and they all gave the same number. Could it be that I am approaching my period this week so my weight has gone up? What do you know about that kind of thing??

Thanks :)

New beginnings

School's started and I'm back on my dieting and I've decided to start blogging again. The past two weeks I've lost 10 pounds (152 to 142) because it's the start of a diet and my body's shocked and flushing out all the bad foods I ate before. My goal is 125. This year I feel different than before. Studying abroad last year I felt so free and I stopped obsessing about weight/food/body things and just lived and it was unforgettable. But I crave the control, and the autumn weather is the perfect amount of coldness to really snuggle in with that control and empty feeling. There's no better feeling than swimming in fall clothes. I fell in love when I was abroad and he acted like he wanted to do long distance and he was going to move out here. But of course after 2 months of long distance he cheated on me. I hate all males. I don't want to hook up with anyone, I don't want to date anyone. I just don't know what to do with myself. All I can do is focus on school and my body and my friends, which is fine since it's my last year of university. The only guy who doesn't make me want to vomit, has a child. So I hate him. But I do like flirting with him. Does that make me a bad person? I can't help myself. I've been attracted to him for so long before I knew about the child. Now I just don't care about anyone so he's just a reason to get excited about something. I don't know if that makes sense.

Though I haven't been posting, I've been reading blogs on here. I'm so inspired. Let's do this.

doubts

my boyfriend said he was sure about us before he went on vacation, then he said his vacation made him even more sure about us. but why is his friend telling me that he isn't sure and that he didn't miss me and that he cheated?? i don't know what to do.

update from italy

maybe i'm just really tired but i'm enjoying the soreness i'm getting from my laptop resting on my ribcage

Finals and being a FATTY

Final exams start Monday. I have been pigging out for awhile now. I finally stepped on the scale this morning - 140.2. I have gained roughly 6 pounds. I am also expecting my period and it hasn't come yet, which could explain some water retention and my inability to diet. I have just been eating junk, including a lot of dairy products. I ordered a domino's pizza and cheesy bread and ate the whole thing by myself while watching TV on Wednesday night to "celebrate" classes being done. I locked my door while I did it so I could be in private. How pathetic is that? I can't seem to stop myself from eating junk food. But I know that once my period comes I will be less inclined to eat junk food, because that's what always happens to me. I just wish I could lose this weight before I get home because it's so hard on vacation to stay thin :( AND I am going to study abroad in Italy in a month so I need to be thin for that because as we all know, Italian food....yeah. I think all this dairy overload is killing me. I feel all stuffed up. And dairy is crazy fattening. I don't mind weighing 140.2, but the problem is (for all you math nerds) the derivative. I am on an upward trend. I need to go back down or maintain or something. So my plan is to exercise moderately this week to kick my metabolism back in gear, let my period come and reduce my binging, and reduce my dairy. It's so hard during reading period and finals to have a good diet/exercise/sleep routine since the time is soooo unstructured!!!! I also need to eat right to concentrate!!!!

OK good luck to everyone.

Day 17-23 and formaaal

Day seventeen: Have you ever been called fat? Or skinny?
Yes, people constantly call me skinny, but I think they're just being polite. When I hit puberty I always felt large in comparison to other people, but I don't think anyone called me fat. Maybe they did. I don't remember specifically. I just remember being freakishly tall as the first girl in my 6th grade class to reach 5 feet tall. How silly. My ex boyfriend called me fat once because I kept telling him to be honest and I wouldn't let up at all, I think his friend was saying how I was too fat or something and I found out about it, and I was so upset. In hindsight, I think the friend was just mad that he was spending more time with me than with him, but I guess I'll never know :(

Day eighteen: Do you have to eat any meals with your family? Are they for or against your diet?
Now that I've been in college and living on my own, most of the meals I eat with my family are holidays or vacations. So usually they are against my diet. If I diet my mom compliments my weight loss and asks the obligatory "Are you eating?" but mostly she tells me to stay the way I am. My mom has always made it a rule that basically I'm not allowed to know my weight. But obviously I do.

Day nineteen: Have you ever lied to avoid eating something?
Yes. In fact, just yesterday, my teacher ordered pizza for our class. First of all, what the hell - pizza isn't brain food. But apparently people find it alarming when someone chooses NOT to pig out on pizza in CLASS. What is wrong with society?

Day twenty: Do you binge? How often and what triggers it?
Yes. Boredom. The second I start to watch TV, I feel I need to binge eat. It's mostly just TV-induced. When I eat too much at holidays or restaurants, I don't technically consider it a "binge" because it isn't as pathetic since it's somewhat social, but it still is a binge because it's too many calories. I also can't eat a little bit of certain foods without needing to eat the entire thing. I'm getting slightly better at this problem, though, but I still screw up. That's why I need a couple days off a week.

Day twenty-one: Do you listen to music when you work out?
 Yes! I have to! I have a playlist of house music and trance music that I love to run to. My favorite workout music is Avicii, Kaskade, Calvin Harris, ATB, Armin van Buuren, and a lot of other music that falls into a similar category. Some of it is upbeat (like Avicii and ATB), others are just very good at getting me going at a steady pace for a longer period of time and zoning my head out (like Kaskade).

Week four!

Weekly challenge: Switch up your diet. Try one fruit and one vegetable you’ve never tried before, and learn how to cook a new healthy meal.

Day twenty-three: Do you feel that your weight holds you back socially?
Sometimes I feel my diet does. Sometimes I feel like I critique my body too much and accidentally I do it in front of others. I think that annoys people. Sometimes I feel like my legs are too fat for outfits, especially my knees. I also feel like I can't wear leggings with shirts that don't cover my hips. I wish I could. I'm not sure if that's social or not, but it impacts confidence I suppose.



In other news, I went to a fraternity's formal this weekend. I haven't been eating great for awhile since Thanksgiving, but looking at the pictures I don't look as huge as I thought I would be. At the formal they fed me this huge plate of pasta with ALFREDO sauce, chicken, ice cream, brownies, tons of champagne, ughhhh. Here's a picture, I actually really like the way I look even though my butt looks huge. I think I look super healthy. I wish I could stay like that without worrying, you know? Even though it is by no means how thin I would be had I not pigged out for 2 weeks straight :( I would say I weigh 140 in this picture. My friend who was super drunk kept gushing to me all night about how healthy and happy and skinny and pretty I looked. IDK why but that made me smile the entire night :)

Day 15 & 16

Week three!
Weekly challenge: Add an extra 30 minutes to each work out this week, or if you weren’t going to work out at all one day, work out for 30 minutes!

Day fifteen: What is your favourite kind of exercise?

Treadmill, Bar Method (they are amazing fun music and fast-paced pilates classes with more weights and yoga and ballet barre exercises incorporated), swimming is good for relaxing.

Day sixteen: Have you ever missed a work out just because you couldn’t be bothered?

Yes, but rarely. I usually work out in the mornings, which I love. It just makes my day. I only skip working out if I just need to sleep past 6 or 7 because I stayed up too late.

Days 7-14 (WOW I totally suck at being consistent)

Last night I got back from vacation, and I just want to preface by saying I ate SO MUCH between Wednesday and Sunday, OH MY GOODNESS. And I feel like an inflated balloon. Hahaha. But the thing is, my parents and my brother's ano GF were like "OMG you look SO SKINNY" blahblahblah even by the end of my week long binge hahaha so I am not too worried. I feel like I have food inside of me that needs to get out so today I mostly fasted and I will probably eat a lot less this week than I usually do, but honestly after eating approximately 3000 calories per day this past week (not even kidding), I'm not hungry at all. Hah. So it's not a big deal, I am not worried about gaining weight, I think I will be back to normal by the end of this week! On break, I went shopping SO MUCH and bought sooooo many new clothes I am super excited! Lots of big sweaters for that baggy "heroin chic" look lol, scarves, jewelry, pants, cords, skirts, tops, tights, leggings, just SO MUCH STUFF. I am so materialistic, it makes me feel so good. Sadly this guy I have had a pathetic crush on for a long time just became a dad. What the fuck. He never told me he got a girl preg, but I found out via being a total stalker, and the baby was just born last week, so I def needed a break and am so glad I got away for awhile. Ugh. I haven't seen him yet, I don't really know what to say/how to act. I know I should probably congratulate him, I even contemplated buying a gift, but IDK I also feel like a stalker for knowing about it hahaha. Oh well. Back to the questionnaire!

Day seven: Do your friends and family know you are trying to lose weight?

At the moment, no, just that I am on a "Health Kick." Bullshitbullshitbullshit. But kind of true. That's how it always starts, anyway.

Week Two!
If you broke your unhealthy habit for one week, congratulations! Why not try two weeks?

Weekly challenge: Get organised! This week try to plan tomorrow’s meal the night before.

Day eight: Name 5 things you like about your body (you can do it) and the one body part you’d like to change the most. 

 

I like my stomach (it's usually pretty flat and my waist stays trim even in fat times), I like my face, I love my lips, I like my wrists (they are bony and delicate), I like my shoulders (they are always bony and narrow). I can't decide between my thighs and my arms. My thighs are thick, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that no guy has ever talked shit about them, in fact, I get tons of compliments on them (but seriously, they are thick. Like, at my skinniest, 22.5." At my average weight, 24.5." HUGE.), so I can't really decide. Also, they aren't flabby, they are just thick and muscular (although I do have a bit of over the knee fat which I hate, and inner thigh fat, and cellulite, and stretch marks, and ew ew ew ok stopstopstop). My arms are embarrassing though. From behind especially. Very flabby. GROSSSSS.

 

Day nine: What is your favourite food, healthy or unhealthy.

Pizza with extra mozzarella.

Day ten: Do you eat breakfast? What do you usually have?

These days, oatmeal with a bit of granola, sometimes with blueberries or raisins or flaxseeds on top. In the past, I'd eat yogurt and an egg white. If I am hungover, I like stuff like waffles with tons of sugar and syrup, cheesy omelettes/scrambled eggs, bagel with tons of cream cheese, etc.

Day eleven: What are your family’s eating habits like?

No one in my family cooks. So we basically just eat out all the time. My mom likes to snack on cheese, she is kind of chub (though only since age 40, up till then she was actually super thin, I guess her metabolism stopped but her bad habits continued, especially since she was a stay at home mom with lots of time to eat...although she definitely went on plenty of "crash diets" - aka eating disorder, all her life until now). We order deep dish pizza a lot. We like this diner with horribly unhealthy food. We like italian food a lot. We eat pasta a lot. We eat too much. My dad is pretty thin. Both my parents are very healthy for 60 years old, and they both look just fine, so I would say I'm not too worried about my genetics. We don't eat processed foods, in fact I don't think we've ever had white bread in our house EVER, and never sugary cereals, etc. No diet soda. My mom is vehemently against diet soda. She barely drinks caffeine. Sometimes some ice tea before noon, that's it. My parents are weird with food because we never have real food in our house, but at the same time, I love their style because they just kind of do whatever, eat a ton, and they are totally fine. :)

Day twelve: What are your friend’s eating habits like?

This is an interesting question. My friends fall into 3 categories: Eating disorder, healthy eaters, overweight "I LOVE MY BODY" eaters. My friends with eating disorders tend to eat nothing in public, and fabricate food allergies all the time ("Oh I'm suddenly allergic to gluten...no more bread!") but then they end up buying a lot of food to store in their rooms in private, so I never see them eat it. I know I have bulimic friends but it's different with them, none of them have an extreme bulimia such that I see how much they eat and get concerned (if they do, they do it in private). My healthy friends (which are few and far between) tend to eat a ton like a "normal college student," especially a ton of shitty food like pizza, cookies, ice cream. But they either work out or don't, and manage to stay looking normal, and thin. This is the category I fall into whenever I seem to be out of the clutches of my eating issues. It's funny that I consider this healthy, because it's not like they are making sure to eat whole grains and vegetables, etc., but it's more about the mindset and just not worrying about it too much, and not having to worry about it because metabolisms are effective. My fat friends (I only have one) act like they have such a healthy body image, and such a healthy relationship with food (get off your high horse BITCH), and such a healthy work out regime (Yeah I saw you walking on the elliptical, like ONCE, liar) (can you tell how I really feel? hahaha) but I totally see them eating multiple desserts per meal. Like, who really needs to eat 2 cookies and ice cream every lunch time? And she blames her genes for her overweightness. Give me a break. Hahaha. Here's where the genetics come in: either you can eat whatever the fuck you want and not get fat, or you eat whatever the fuck you want and you will get fat (probably cause you were born fat). But you can always lose weight, you just have less budgeting space available if your genetics are fat. UGH.

Day thirteen: Is your diet ever negatively influenced by your friends? Do they pressure/tempt you to eat unhealthy food?

During the week they know I have this "brain food" regime, where I don't eat junk food, so it's pretty easy for me to not fall into whatever they're doing. On the weekends there's pressure to drink (SO MANY CALORIES) and then if I see them eating something that looks good, I will feel more inclined to grab one for myself.

Day fourteen: Do you ever allow yourself a “rest day” from exercise or a “cheat day” from your diet?

Yes, the weekends. It's the only way I can stay away from the total depression I have felt before from starving myself all the time, and it's the only way I can stay away from slipping back into anorexia. It's also the only way I can stay away from slipping back into bulimia because if I eat "more" on Wednesdays, and again on the weekends, I am restricting less and will therefore have less out of control binges. It actually works for me. I have been there enough times to know that, this restricting is inevitable for me, it's a way I handle things in my life, but I don't want to be sick anymore, so I have to stay sane somehow. Being lax about my diet a few days a week helps me with that.

Thanksgiving Plan and Day 5/6

First of all, for those of you in the US, I'm sure you are just as nervous about Thanksgiving as I am. I am going to fly to Philadelphia on Tuesday to be with my family until Sunday. We are staying in a hotel, and going to New York, and it's basically a vacation, which means lots of eating out, plus Thanksgiving dinner itself, and no exercise (except for shopping in NYC, haha). So it's more than just Thanksgiving dinner I am worried about. But anyway, here is a link with an easy Thanksgiving foods calorie calculator! http://walking.about.com/library/cal/blthanksgivingcalories.htm SUPER helpful!!! Except I think the desserts are underestimated. Here is my meal plan, which is an absurd amount of calories, but I did the absolute maximum amount I can anticipate eating so just in case I totally stuff myself, I know the damage in advance:

Dinner roll = 90
Butter = 40
Wine = 100
Turkey (white, 4 oz.) = 180
Gravy (1/4 cup) = 50
Stuffing (1/2 cup) = 190
Mashed potatoes (1/2 cup) = 100
Pumpkin pie = 300
Apple pie = 400 (Will I be that fatty who eats both pies? Probably.)
TOTAL: 1,450 calories

That seems surprisingly low (hahahaha even though it's twice as much as I normally eat in a day). Maybe I will allow myself to be a normal/healthy girl and eat 2,000 calories that day. Will I gain weight if I do that a few times on this vacation? I guess if I do, I will feel like such shit about it that I will inevitably fast it off as soon as I get back to school, especially with all the stress of final exams coming up. I won't worry.

Day five: Is there any specific event you want to lose the weight for?
Of course not. When people diet for an event, they inevitably gain the weight back the second it's over. I want to be thinner, I hate fat, I hate largeness, I hate the way I feel when my stomach rolls when I am sitting, I hate how fat my thighs look, I hate the fat above my knees, I hate the fat on my arms, I could go on for days. In a perfect world I would get to the point where I never feel fat, nobody ever thinks even for a second that I am fat, and I can eventually just kind of eat whatever I feel like without gaining weight. But I know that, at least for me, any kind of weight loss triggers me, and it's more of a battle than it should be. Like, objectively, I could probably stop now at 133 and work on gradually increasing my calories in order to make this a permanent, healthy weight I can feasibly maintain. I would be relatively thin, with a BMI of 20.5, and most people would not find me fat. See, I know these things in my head. Stopping weight loss and starting a maintenance plan here would benefit me more in the long run and make it more likely that I can keep this weight consistent. But like I said, losing weight triggers me, so I can't really fight it. I want to stay in control.

Day six: Have you ever been overweight or underweight?
Technically by the BMI chart I have never been "overweight", but I just feel like my natural weight of 150 is on the upper end of "healthy." I have been underweight. I had my first real episode of anorexia in the 8th grade (age 13ish) that pretty much lasted until I was about 15 or 16, with a few health episodes that landed me in the hospital, and a looooot of therapy and nutritionist counseling. I was 5'5", 97 pounds, "underweight" and they wouldn't let me go till I weighed 125 pounds (which, by the way, is fucking tiny on me. I really hate how often girls lie about their weights until boys think a weight like 125 is huge. Give me a break, you don't weigh 105 pounds fatass. UGH. Weight is distributed differently on everybody.). My mom never worried about it, she just thought it was a phase. By no means could she admit to having a fucked up daughter! But I kind of thank her for it, because I just want to feel normal. By the second half of high school, I seemed to be alright, and I had gained the weight to be about 145-150 (oh I had grown a few inches too) which I was able to maintain by basically eating pizza every single day and hardly working out (I had to quit dance when I got sick). Honestly, I looked fine. But I did have a boyfriend when I was 17 who tried to make me feel insecure/hinting I was fat/etc. Somehow, it didn't trigger my ED to relapse, but I definitely shouldn't have wasted so much time and emotion on him :P In college, I was mostly fine until about sophomore year, where I suddenly dropped a ton of weight. I didn't quite reach "underweight," as I quickly ballooned back up to the 140s/150s as soon as I couldn't handle the exercise purging anymore, since I ended up binging so much. It was a mess, mostly because I always felt sick from being so all over the place, restricting, binging, the cycle really messes with your head even worse than starvation. It just feels like this epic battle going on in your mind. Then I went to Italy, which helped me find a healthy satisfaction from eating food, haha, and then this fall I am kind of back to the restricting thing but I am REALLY TRYING to make it healthy, I really am! I am trying not to have unhealthy goals, and all that, but it is so difficult with my history.

OK, well I have two exams before I can leave for vacation, so I better get going. Today I might take a walk down to Whole Foods and examine the junk food section, maybe they have all natural cookie dough and frosting, even better if they are dairy free! Because binges are kind of unavoidable, and better that they are all natural instead of this dining hall crap that just rots in your stomach...ugh...OK, bye bye!

Days 2-4, and my hilarious day

Day two: What is your MAIN reason for wanting to lose weight? (Be honest.)
Obviously I want to look good, in all clothes, I also hate that my pant size is so large.* But it never really starts that way. It's usually a health kick, or a response to stress. It's more about control. Then I am never really happy even if I reach my goal weight - my goals just keep getting lower.

Day three: Do you count calories? What is your daily calorie goal/allowance?
Yes. My diet usually starts out with the goal of 1200 calories per day, simply because all those calorie counters say that's the lowest healthy intake. But if I am restricting, I can never eat even 1000 calories, I don't know why, it's just impossible for me. Typically I will eat 600-1000 calories, with the goal to eat 1200 (which I never meet). I try to eat more on Wednesday (goal 1500, also rarely met) to kick my metab, which never actually happens since by Wednesdays I am already addicted to starvation. In order to avoid "starvation mode" and "eating disorder" I let myself go on the weekends, and "eat whatever I want," aka binge. But I am always hesitant to start my "diet vacation" by the time Friday comes. Usually it starts with drinking, or just something social. But it depends on my mood.

Day four: Do you work out? How many times a week?
Yes. At least 5. I used to be a gym rat, and I would work off every "excess calorie" I consumed, every single day. Which is like bulimia, except better and worse in some ways, it takes hours to burn off a binge. Then my nutritionist made me limit my gym time, which actually sort of helped me limit my binging because I had to somewhat sever the link between exercise and food in my mind. And I know, I know, the nutritionist wanted me to gain weight and a healthy perspective, blahblahblah, why listen? Well she also scared me by telling me this: if you aren't eating enough (hello girls, none of us are, that's why we're here), but you are exercising a ton, your metabolism will actually STOP and it is replaced by your exercise calorie burn, so basically, the second you stop exercising you will become a fat lard no matter what you eat. So it's better to do moderate exercise, cause then you are also less likely to burn yourself out and injure yourself, which could lead to the fat lard syndrome. Now, I usually do like 30 minutes to an hour of cardio (running outside or on the treadmill) 3 times a week, and swim or elliptical twice a week. Sometimes I do weights, ideally 2-3 times a week but I'm wicked lazy. I mainly do them when I feel like my butt is losing muscle tone and looks flabby. Sometimes I will do interval training with my running, especially if I am feeling bored or lazy. So I walk or jog for a minute, sprint for a minute, that kinda thing. Since it is the week before thanksgiving break, during which I won't be able to hit the gym for 5 straight days (!!!!) I am making myself work out every single day until I leave (Tuesday) to make up for it. Also, sometimes when I am running my vision starts to blur and I feel weak and faint, so I sometimes have to limit that too, because hell I am not trying to die, I already ended up in the hospital enough from fainting incidents. Hospitals are gross. I contracted MRSA in the hospital this summer (from getting stitched above my eye, cause I fainted, despite being relatively healthy at the time. Oh eating disorders and their long-term consequences.)


OK now onto my anecdote for today!
So today, I had to skip my morning class to go into the city and give the Italian consulate my application and materials for a visa (I am pretty certain I am studying abroad in the spring, in Italy). So obviiii I wanted to look super sophisticated, so I wore this cute black/grey jumper I had bought in Italy, and black leather boots. I felt so good-looking, I was kind of strutting down the street as if I were some super confident, sexy European girl. And people legit treated me that way. Some guy chased after me and asked me if I were Ukrainian because he loved my style and I was "so beautiful like a Ukrainian girl," I know he was super creepy but it was a total ego boost. I go to an all-girls school, so I often forget that I am attractive (not to be braggy, it's just that I don't get much attention from sober guys, since I NEVER SEE THEM, hahaha). And guys were staring at me and being soooo hospitable, and I even had filled out the complete wrong application for the visa, and the crabby guy at the desk who kept turning people wrong for application errors, let me slide. UGH LOVED IT. It was a perfect day. I think sometimes inner confidence projects outer beauty. I felt great. Of course it helped that I was running on green tea and Adderall all day. Maybe I will try to be more stylish all the time! Haha. Anyway, I am so excited to go back and pick up my Visa since I will obviously be wearing Italian clothes and hopefully will see that hot security guard again. OK wow I am ridiculous. Hahahah.

*On that note, I recently took the Levi's "Curve ID" quiz for fun, and got "Supreme Curve," which is essentially for black people. I am white. I am supposed to be skinny. That's how huge my ass/legs are. Also, that wasn't a slam on black girls, but that's normal for them, I feel like a fatass as a white girl with curves, although ironically enough, guys tend to love my ass and legs. SO CONFUSING. Anyway, I bought them - size 8/29 - and they fit perfectly. So I have a huge ass, and despite not being 150 pounds anymore, I am still a size 8. Where do I lose the weight? Boobs probably. I have the absolute smallest D cup boobs in existence - literally. My boob to ribcage ratio is definitely a D, according to Nordstrom and every store ever. But my boobs only measure like 31.5-33" depending on how fat I am.*

Beginning the 60 Day Challenge!

Hello! I saw this on Sunshine Child's blog, and here is the link: http://perfectlyxwicked.blogspot.com/p/60-day-challenge.html

It looks like something positive to keep me going long term :) So I have decided to try it out, as well. Today is Day 1.

Week One!

Weekly challenge: Pick one unhealthy food or habit you have (eg. Artificial sweetener, chocolate, eating after 8pm, skipping breakfast) and aim to go 7 days without eating/doing it.

Unhealthy Food: Dairy! I will go one week without dairy. Obviously sometimes butter/milk is in things without you even realizing it, but no cheese, etc. (Not gonna lie, I think I might be becoming allergic to dairy, so this is partially to save my throat because it gets so sore whenever I eat dairy these days. BUT, dairy has always been my favorite binge-inducing food group, and imagine how much weight I can lose without it!!!!)

Unhealthy Habit: Going overboard on my weekly binges. I allow myself to binge so as to not slip into an anorexic or bulimic pattern, and also to help my body's metabolism. I know, those are just excuses, but I don't care. I will keep allowing myself to feast. What I want to change, though, is eating too much on the binge. It makes me feel like death. I don't worry about calories on the weekend. So instead, I will just do the 5-bowls diet, which is actually a super good thing to go by if you are just being healthy in general life. Eat 5 bowl-sized meals of anything you want, spaced 2-3 hours apart from each other, per day. You should be fine. That is what I hope to change about my weekend disgustingness. 5 bowls of oreos - no problem, hahaha...well really, it is at least better than eating the entire box at once. Oh and drinking counts as a meal, if I end up drinking.

Day one: How tall are you, what do you currently weigh, and what do you hope to weigh after the 60 days? (Be realistic). 
 I am 5'7.5". This morning I weighed 139.5, but let me explain: I often allow myself to binge on the weekends, simply to make enduring the week easier. Friday, after a week of dieting, I weighed 135.5. My starting weight was around 152.  So I would say my current weight ranges from 135-145 depending on how good I have been.

As a 20 year old, I realize that my metabolism will eventually slow down, and all these years of yo-yo dieting will inevitably hurt me, which is why I think a realistic long term goal would be 134 instead of something like 110. What I'm saying is that, I would rather consistently weigh 130-140 forever, than drop down to 110 briefly and then balloon back up to 152 (or even higher, because that's what happens after starvation). So realistically, I would like to calibrate my body weight to be 134, and keep that steady with a good diet until my metabolism has adjusted, and then I will hopefully be able to eat whatever I want in the long term, while remaining around 134. (134 is the number I got from the Dukan Diet's "Find Your True Weight" quiz, http://www.dukandiet.com/, which is actually VERY helpful and accurate, I believe). Long story short, at the end of 60 days, I hope to confidently be 134 pounds. But of course, the "recovered" anorexic/exercise bulimic in me wants to be 110. Dreams to be 110. Needs to be 110. I know that even at 129, anything below 130, my particular body frame looks amazingly starved. I would be skinny in the 120s, too, but ughhh, 110, I would be so graceful and perfect and pure. I know, I know. NO. It takes starvation for me to even get below 130.

Side note - you know how they say, for a woman, the ideal weight is 100 pounds for 5 feet tall, then add 5 pounds per inch after 5 feet, and then +/- 10 pounds for large/small frame. To determine your frame size, you measure your wrist circumference. At nearly 5'8" with wrists slightly under 6", I am technically a "small frame." But I have always thought I am "big boned," even if I don't look it. My collarbone pops out even at 150. My ribcage shows at any weight. My hipbones pop out at 145. So I think my frame size is actually "large." But I have a small ribcage - 28". So maybe I am just small on top. I have hugeass thighs. Gross. OK sorry this was totally ADD of me. Anyway, so according to that, my ideal weight is 147 if large frame, and 127 if small frame. My natural weight is totally more like 148, where I can eat whatever I want and not look "bad". So I guess I am a large frame. Who knows.

OK Whatever, I have so much work to do! I love to keep busy, in fact, I HAVE TO keep busy, otherwise I will be too preoccupied with food and trying not to binge. Hence, I am good Monday-Friday, but binge on the weekends.

Weigh In

135.5

Not bad considering I spent last week eating. I was good this week. Tonight I have plans with my former-roommate to go to Trader Joe's and buy pumpkin pancake mix and then make pumpkin pancakes. I will allow myself to eat them, they are so delicious. Hehe. And it is Friday. OK.

Have a great weekend!

Nothing Tastes as good as Being Thin Feels

Ugh, Kate Moss, you have the best thinspirational quotes. Seriously - nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. I know that's impossible to remember sometimes, but it's so true. I'm weighing in tomorrow. I have been disciplined this week, both in food and in schoolwork. It has been a really productive week. I have also been in good spirits this week. Finally...things are going back to normal :)

new day

Hello! Today is a new day. I have been feeling sick all week, and I still feel horrible today. But I need to lose weight. This morning I had an apple and green tea. I need to jumpstart my diet because I think I weight about 142 right now. I want to get back into the 130s, and stay there consistently. I will probably minimize my calories today to get a good start.

Oh and last week I was having a hard week, and ended up eating a lot all week. On Thursday after a run I went into my friend's room and used her digital scale, and (I was literally expecting it to say 150), it said 135.5. I didn't believe it because I had been eating so much lately, so I tried a few different parts of the room (she probably thinks I'm crazy), and it stayed the same. Then later that evening after dinner, I expected it to be a little more because of water weight, but it was about 146.5!!! I tried other locations in the room too, same!!! What the heck????? That was depressing. Then on Friday afternoon, the gym scale (which I usually use. It's one of those non-digital, huge clunky doctor's office scales) said 142. So I don't really know what to think. I think sometimes when you're tall-ish like me (5'7-5'8) and thus more massive, the weight fluctuations are much larger. Maybe that's it. Also, I have a lot of "lean muscle mass," which I have been told requires a lot more water. So maybe it's easier for me to be dehydrated or something, and so my water weight fluctuates a lot. I don't really know. I'm just trying to make myself feel better. Hahaha.

I saw the "Points Diet" on Thin and Delicate Rose's blog. I am intrigued by that. Perhaps I will start tallying up my points every day and see how it goes.

OH and I am not eating dairy this week. Partly because I have a cold, partly because I think I might be developing an allergy, and partly because the book Skinny Bitch told me to, haha. It will be difficult for me to not eat yogurt and cottage cheese, since I feel like those are staple diet foods. We shall see if I can handle it. 

Have a great day!

i fucked everything up

I hate my life. This morning I got a 0 on my homework assignment because my teacher thinks I turned it in late. I was sick that day so I turned it in as soon as I could - 15 minutes after class. FUCK THAT. And immediately after, I had an important interview. I expected normal interview questions but the two interviewers totally put me on the spot about my economic knowledge and opinions and I totally blew it. I hate everything. And now I have a care package from my mom that I'm just SURE will have Halloween candy in it. I fucking hate everything. I am so fat. I am so fucking stupid. Why don't I know anything? Why did I fuck up my interview?? What the fuck is wrong with me?????????????