first post!

Well, this week has been strange. Strange enough that I decided to get online in search of something, not really sure what. So I've been eyeing some other pro-ana blogs out there, just so I can feel less alone. Since I took my first midterm of the year, I freaked out and have felt out of control. I don't get it. I spent every moment doing one of two things: either studying or working nonstop in the library, or working out. I just don't get why I bombed it. Then today we got it back. I got a C. That triggered me.

I have been a recovered anorexic since age 15. But since my sophomore year of college started (I am 19), I have found myself falling back into the disease. At first I didn't notice: I had gone from a slacker student to a super student with the help of a long-needed but never-realized diagnosis and medication of ADHD. Once I got on Adderall, it was like night and day. I started to love to study again - even when it was boring - just because I can do it, finally. Hours in the library that I would not care to disrupt for a meal. My friends started to worry, because when I would, rarely, eat with them, I spent a minute nibbling on cucumbers or celery, and then running off to the library again. I lied, embarrassed about my ADHD, telling them I was on some heart medication that made me nauseous (don't know where that came from), and it was alright.


But when I realized I had given up my social life to study and then felt like I had bombed the test, I binged. At first, it was nothing. But then, it got out of control. Every day this week I have binged. I feel completely helpless, because I don't even WANT the food. It's like I WANT to binge. But I don't want to. But I end up doing it anyway. I don't know why. So every day this week I have been running. I started with running 4 miles, 8 miles, and last night 11 miles. I really don't know what to do with myself. I have been afraid to weigh myself for a week since my binges started.

It was this test and loss of apparent control over one of the two things I had thought I controlled (my grade being the one, weight the other) which made me realize I am back in full swing into anorexia. To check, sure enough, I have dropped 14 pounds (3 BMI points) since September (when I had a doctor's appointment). This would explain why the guy I was making out with asked me if I was anorexic when he first saw my bare body. I laughed it off.


On top of all of this, I feel so alone. I don't mind. I can't stand the people around me. All they do is suspect me of being anorexic. And all I want to talk about is calories/weight/exercise, so I don't blame them for being suspicious. But I have isolated myself. I am hoping through this blog to find some kind of outlet, some kind of community, that will let me be, and will also be there to talk about our weight, our goals, our exercise, our slip-ups. Because this isn't something trivial we Anas can just purge from our minds (ha, ha...).


Tomorrow's a new day, right?