perfection and control

I'm guessing we all are obsessive over these two things. It's not really about how your body looks. In fact, I often find myself covering my body more in sweats the further into my eating disorder I am. Getting less than perfect grades triggers me as much as gaining a pound triggers me. It's all about the control and the fear of losing it, I think.

That said, this weekend is Halloween (!!!), and I hope EVERY ONE OF YOU wears some scanty sexy outfit because you need to remember - you're going to look AMAZING, even if you don't feel it. It's the perfect time to show off that body, because trust me, it's thinner than you think. What are you guys planning on wearing? I'm thinking about being a fairy, I have this sheer white skirt and probably a white midriff t-shirt. I like the purity of it, kind of virginal. Hah.


Anyway, I'm on a water fast today, so I'll probably do a toning work out and then a very light cardio workout, maybe like 30 minutes on a machine or like 60 low intensity minutes on a machine, preferably a stationary bike so I can sit down haha. My plan this week is to alternate water fast days with low-cal days (replacing meals with low-sodium v8 and, solid food with fiber hahaha).  Oh and we get Wednesday off from school, thank goodness!!! I can do the work I fell behind on.

My mom mailed me a care package today ha. I love how it has my absentee ballot with her post-it note telling me what to vote for. I wouldn't vote normally because I don't care, but if it makes them happy, I will. Also, we're from California but my family is ultra conservative, so it would really make them feel better to know their opinion will get at least 1 more vote. So I feel the need to please my parents by doing these things (I suck at lying about it). Also, my mom sent me laxatives, which I find HILARIOUS.

~Quick Shout-Out To The Best Vitamin Ever~
She also sent me more L-tryptophan supplements. I just want to take a second to tell you guys about this stuff. I've been taking it (1 pill usually 30 minutes before bed time) for a few months now. The actual dosage is 3 pills a night, but for me 1 works just fine. It's just an amino-acid (get all natural if you can! Usually at more organic type pharmacies) that your body already produces, so it's totally safe and just a vitamin. It actually makes me sleep so well. If you're an insomniac, this will probably help you. If not, it will improve the quality of your sleep. I love it. I wake up well-rested, and don't really wake up much throughout the night, and it's easier to fall asleep/relax. Oh my gosh I love it! Get it if you can and you need a bit of all-natural sleep assistance!  But if you're pregnant or want to become pregnant, definitely do not get it. Also, I think there is interaction with anti-depressants, so don't take it if you're on that stuff. Otherwise, it's fabulous! I know many years ago, they pulled it from the market for a contaminated batch, but it's just fine now.

OK guys, that's all I have for now. Oh and my BMI is at 19.something now, so I am feeling more competent than my schoolwork is making me feel. Haha.

Stay safe, stay strong, and stay beautiful all of you skinny ladies! Try to find strength in your pain, and don't forget to love yourself :)

<3